I-llama-nating young grandson
Burt's Eye View
A guy learns a lot having a 10-year-old grandson. Mostly, a guy learns that he can’t run, jump, climb or wrestle more than seven seconds without gasping, wheezing and collapsing.
The second thing a guy learns is that he’s become horribly out of touch.
I remember watching the Grammy Awards as a teenager. My dad wrinkled his nose and growled, “Who are these people and what’s that awful racket they’re making?”
I swore I would never allow myself to become that ignorant about music. And I haven’t. That’s how I know that those people I see on stage — whoever they are — aren’t making any.
Yep, I have morphed into the fogeydom that I once feared. It’s wonderful.
Another thing I learned from having a 10-year-old grandson is that llamas and pug dogs are all the rage. Or they were. The kids probably have moved on to gorillas and greyhounds by now. But the last time I took note of elementary school fashions, if you wore the picture of an animal on your shirt, it was either a llama or a pug.
So this column is for my grandson, Sebastian, to show that ol’ Pop Pops can still be cool anytime he wishes. So get ready for a llama vs. pugs smackdown, granddad jokes style!
What’s a llama’s favorite drink? Llamanade.
What do dogs like to drink in the fall? A pugkin spice latte.
What do llamas always say when they introduce themselves? “Fleeced to meet you.”
What happened when the pug went to the flea circus? He stole the show.
What sound does a llama’s doorbell make? Llama-llama-ding-dong.
What’s a pug’s favorite musical instrument? The trom-bone. No, wait, it’s the dinner bell.
What do you call a secret group of llamas? The i-llama-nati.
How do you turn a pug into a watchdog? Give him a Rolex.
What did the llama get when he graduated school? A dipllama.
What happened to the dog who drank out of the bathroom bowl? He pugged the toilet.
What did the llama say when he was invited to the picnic? Alpaca lunch.
What do you call a pug that’s been in the sun all day? A hot dog.
What do llamas always reply when you thank them? No probllama.
What do you call a cold dog? A pug-cicle.
Who’s a llama’s favorite composer? Wolfgang Llamadeus Mozart.
Who’s the pug’s favorite comedian? Growlcho Marx.
What do you get if you stand between two llamas? Llamanated.
What do you call a pack of dogs on your mattress? Bed pugs.
Why did the llama cross the road? Because it was the chicken’s day off.
Why did the pug cross the road? To get to the barking lot.
What do you call a very fast llama? A Llamagini.
How did the dog cross the lake? On a pug boat.
— If you think these llama jokes are llame and the pug jokes repugnant, you can stop pugging me, save the drama for your llama and get off my lawn. I’m as cool as I want to be.