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I always suspected health food was up to no good. It turns out it's spying on you.
MIT researchers announced a couple weeks ago that they engineered bomb-sniffing spinach plants.
Researchers embedded sensors into the plants so that when the spinach roots detect chemicals used in land mines or other booby traps in the soil, it transmits the chemical analysis to the leaves, which emit a fluorescent signal picked up by an infrared camera that emails warnings.
When I was a kid, we imagined what wonders the emerging electronic technology would bring. Our hopes rested in the TV show "Lost in Space," in which The Robot frequently squawks, "Danger, Will Robinson," thereby saving young Will's life.
Fifty years later, we discover it wasn't The Robot but Popeye we needed. Spinach will text our alarms.
The implications are horrifying. What if my wife gets this technology?
She'll place before me a large salad that she lovingly prepared out of concern for my wellbeing. I will act delighted.
She'll ask, "Have you been following your diet, dear?"
"Oh, absolutely," I'll say as I cram a big wad of silage into my mouth.
Seconds later, her phone will beep. She'll scan the screen and frown. "That's not what your spinach says."
She'll flip the phone in my direction so I can read the text sent from the leaves I just ate:
"We just spotted two Snickers bars and a Hostess Ding Dong down here. It appears that we're about to encounter Ruffles -- cheddar and sour cream flavor."
But technology goes both ways. Humans can spy back.
Earlier this year, a United Kingdom company named Smarter unveiled the Fridge Cam. It's a tiny camera that mounts inside your refrigerator. Then, no matter where you're at, you can whip out your cellphone and see what you have on ice.
The stated idea is that if you're shopping and spot a great deal on eggs but can't remember how many you need, you can click the Fridge Cam app and find out.
But I think I know the real reason. It's to spy on our food. We want to FINALLY discover the answers to two of life's most perplexing questions -- does the ketchup grow legs and change shelves on its own, and does that little light really go off when the refrigerator door closes?
Smarter also introduced Smarter Mats, which are sort of like electronic coasters for your milk cartons or other beverages. When the jug nears empty, the mat notifies your cellphone.
This isn't spying on food so much as it is spying on your family. A teenage boy will barely have time to wipe his mouth on his sleeve before his phone chirps. He'll answer to hear his mom's voice:
"Jimmy, how many times have I told you that if you empty a carton, don't put it back in the refrigerator? Hey, what happened to the slice of rhubarb pie I was saving for your father?"
Thanks to technology, you can nag your offspring long distance.
Or at least you can until you start finding spinach leaves in your pocket. That's when you know the kids are receiving texts: "Danger, Will Robinson, she's checking the Fridge Cam."
The brave new world makes me want to cower under the bed.
— Signal Cole at burtseyeview@tribtoday.com or on the Burton W. Cole page on Facebook.