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My beard has taken it on the chin a lot over the years:
"What are you supposed to be, a lumberjack?"
"Is that where you store all the food you couldn't eat at dinner?"
"Hey, did a sick cat die curl up and die on your face?"
Well, ha, ha, the joke's on you, my smooth-cheeked friends. According to a number of business journals, the much-maligned beard now is a symbol of power.
Inc.com and other business journals published results of a scientific study that shows that we bearded boys appear to be "more dominant, aggressive and seasoned in years" in the workplace.
I find this study surprising. Not the part about beards. The part about science. It seems researchers will study anything, even face fluff.
As for the study results, they're true. Service people who gaze upon my snow-white whiskers automatically defer to my obvious maturity. They give me senior discounts without asking me for an ID. That's how powerful my carpeted mug makes me.
It also imbues me with a certain aura of celebrity. The other day while I browsed books at the library, a little boy tugged at his mother's jeans, pointed and whispered in awe, "It's Santa!"
I've been meaning to lose weight.
Anyway, the researchers who groomed the stubble report speculated that beards trigger a biological response that signifies here's someone who's been around the block enough times to handle problems as they come up.
Without a doubt. Whenever a crisis arises, I know to call my wife. If there are two ways to do a thing, hers is always the safest path to follow. Especially if I want supper.
The researchers say facial fur exudes confidence. The thinking goes like this: In a faceoff, a beard can be a handicap because your opponent can grab it to control you.
That's what King David's army captain Joab did against Amasa in II Samuel 20:9-10. Joab grabbed a fistful of Amasa's beard, pulled him close as if to greet him in a friendly fashion, then did Amasa in with a dagger.
"A man who maintains a beard in the business environment thus can be interpreted as saying he's not afraid of competitors and can beat them, even with whatever handicaps he has, or that he's not afraid of risks," Inc.com reported.
This may be true but I think I'll keep my bushy bristles trimmed to less-than-finger-twisting length.
Oh, and you clowns who think face fuzz is a trap for yesterday's leftovers, the research says employers might see it as a sign of dependability:
"A beard can send the message that you're in superb health because your immune system has to be in great shape to fight off all the little critters that can take up residence in the hair."
Suddenly, I'm considering shaving. But I wouldn't want to leave Fred, my pet, homeless.
The report omitted one other factor -- wisdom. My wife likes beards. I like my wife. Therefore, the jaw wool stays. Especially if I want supper.
— Share fuzzy tales with the bearded one at burtseyeview@tribtoday.com or on the Burton W. Cole page on Facebook.