Trending
We are at their udder mercy.
Utter. I mean, utter mercy.
I speak, of course, about the rash of rogue cows running roughshod in our neighborhoods.
The latest reports came last week from New Hartford, N.Y., where police set a trap in hopes of finally catching a cow that's been on the run several months. It wanders into town, then bolts into nearby woods.
My guess is that's where it has a bovine bunker, stocked with all manner of ammoonition -- I mean, ammunition -- including dozens of cans of Reddi-Whip nitrous oxide-propelled whipped cream.
These are not the loving, gentle giants we raised on the farm. These are rebel cows, cows with a beef. They're the kind that sharpen their horns on fence posts, carry switchblades and refuse to wear cowbells.
You think I'm overstating the dangers? Cattle are far more deadly than sharks, according to the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.
Sharks, alligators and bears each kill an average of one person in the United States a year, according to a CDC report. Snakes and lizards combine for another six people a year, and spiders take out seven.
Cows kill 20.
The only mammals deadlier are dogs at 28 human slayings a year, but they have an unfair advantage. We invite them into our homes. The cow has to slip in by stealth.
A July 2013 report from the BBC says a Brazilian man was killed when a cow crashed through his roof and crushed him in bed. The rogue cow escaped from a nearby farm, grazed on a hill behind the man's house, stepped onto the corrugated roof and fell through.
The BBC reported it was the third such incident in the area over the last few years, but the first that proved fatal.
In June, a jury heard testimony that a herd of 31 cattle intentionally surrounded and trampled a retired college professor walking a trail through their pasture in Wiltshire in southwest Great Britain. The same cows were suspected in two previous, nonfatal attacks.
Independent cattle expert Andrew Marshall told jurors, "Cows are like teenagers and they push the boundaries. If they get away with something, they will keep pushing that boundary."
In other words, rogue cows will milk it for all it's worth. Still, the professor's death was ruled accidental.
In July in Val-des-Monts, in Quebec, Canada, four cows wandered up a driveway and damaged a BMW to the tune of $1,000, according to The Associated Press.
Sounds like the bread and butter of the notorious Cowhide Gang, bad to the T-bone since calfhood.
Chew your cud on this one: In January 2013, a small herd of cows knocked over 40-some flags and grave markers, then ate flower arrangements at the Center Cemetery in Southampton, Mass.
In October 2013, officials for Chino Hills State Park in California's Santa Ana Mountains warned visitors to be on the lookout for rogue cattle intimidating hikers and mountain bicyclists.
It's like that old "no trespassing" sign -- "Don't cross this field unless you can run it in 9.9 seconds. The bull can do it in 10" -- except this time, the COWS are the trespassers.
On it goes. Oh, Elsie, whatever happened to contented cows? We can't allow the chips to fall where they may. It's time we put our hooves down and steak -- I mean, stake -- out our side of the fence.
It's either that or hide in the barn until the cows come home.
— Moo at Cole at burtseyeview@tribtoday.com or on the Burton W. Cole page on Facebook.