Trending
As a duly licensed wordsmith and practitioner of the written arts, I naturally like to keep up with the parts of speech.
Let's see, if I recall my English lessons correctly, they are verbs, nouns, pronouns, amateur nouns, adjectives, adjuncts, jumping beans, participles and chrysanthemums. I might have missed a couple. I spent a lot of time staring out the window during class planning my next sentence.
Anyway, those are the main tools we writers keep in our composition toolboxes.
Also, we keep Play-Doh, Oreos and 29 versions of solitaire, but those tools primarily are for planning. I sometimes plan my next sentence for hours at a time.
Remember, I'm a professional. Don't try all that planning at home. When I do, my wife hands me a mop or hammer or rag and tells me to stop watching cartoons and go do something useful. She doesn't understand planning.
Anyway, several readers had sent me lists of a figure of speech called a paraprosdokian. That's wordplay in which the latter part of the sentence takes an unexpected twist.
The joy and cleverness of paraprosdokians are one of the chief reasons I became a writer. Also, I can't pronounce paraprosdokian. But I can spell it.
Here are a few of my favorite paraprosdokians that I wish I had written. (Maybe I will write some of my own if my boss would stop interrupting my planning time by handing me assignments and stuff.)
* I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. (Bob Monkhouse)
* There's a bunch of different crunches that affect the abs. My favorite is Nestle. (Shmuel Breban)
* A clear conscience is the sign of a bad memory.
* I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it's growing harder to find any.
* You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
* When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That's what gave me the courage. (Emo Philips)
* Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
* Hospitality is the art of making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
* Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
* Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
* Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
* Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
* Why does someone believe you when you say there are 4 billion stars but check when you say the paint is wet?
* You're never too old to learn something stupid.
* Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
And the all-time classic paraprosdokian:
* One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I'll never know. (Groucho Marx)
— Send paraprosdokians to Cole at burtseyeview@tribtoday.com or to the Burton W. Cole page on Facebook.