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I have yet to break a single New Year's resolution. My formula for success is simple: I'm still researching which resolutions to make.
I don't believe in rushing into things.
My studies so far show that 44 percent of adults nationwide started 2015 with at least one vow of betterment, but 92 percent of those folks will have broken them by July. More than a third of us will be toast by February, according to a survey by the University of Scranton.
That's why researching the exactly right resolutions is important to success. Because actually making resolutions leads to failure.
Research is a wonderful way to avoid failure. Or accomplishment. More great projects have been buried by being studied to death in committee than any other single means of defense.
For example, I have been researching the best way to shovel snow from my winding, country driveway for more than 15 years. I have yet to find a method that satisfies me.
I get stuck in my own driveway at least twice a winter, forcing me to stay home and conduct more research. Cartoons, mainly. My research on chiropractic problems seems to indicate that shoveling the snow isn't in my best back-aligning interest. Plus, I'd just have to go to work if I freed the car.
See how wonderfully research works?
Major corporations and the U.S. government itself devote entire departments to research. Without proper research, we might have to do a thing. At least until we thought of another way to avoid new projects.
So here are some of the top resolutions for 2015, according to government research listed on USA.gov: Lose weight; work out; eat healthy food; volunteer to help others; de-stress; reduce debt; and take a trip.
All well and good, but be careful. Technology wants to help you to accomplish these goals. You can set apps on your smart phones and computers to bug you to death about them. If you feel like you don't suffer enough nagging in your life, you can volunteer for more.
A few years ago, Norman Q. Veeblemeister of North Dakota and I were the last two people in the United States not to carry cell phones. Now I own a NagMaster III smartphone.
There are beeps and bells and bloops and bongs going off all the time on that thing to remind me of some chore or other. "Go to the gym." "Eat celery." "Time for your five-mile hike." "There are 2,387 calories in that meal, so choose another." "Wear a hat."
They told me a smartphone would make my life easier, but so far, I feel more like Pinocchio trying to squash the annoyingly constant chirping of Jiminy Cricket.
I understand that Norman in North Dakota also broke down and picked up some technology. He bought a Viewmaster. Instead of being sucked in by YouTube on a smart phone, he gets seven 3D images per reel. And no one can call him on a Viewmaster to interrupt his afternoon.
Say, I may have just stumbled upon a resolution. I think I'll take a trip to the toy store, spend less on a Viewmaster than a phone bill, and de-stress without all those beeps and bloops when I pass the gym on my way for a hot fudge sundae.
Because research works better than resolutions.
— Resolve with Cole at burtseyeview@tribtoday.com or on the Burton W. Cole page on Facebook.