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I once heard a man claim he finished a home repair project on time and without a hitch.
Later, I regretted laughing like a loon at a man so obviously suffering delusions.
It's like that sinking feeling you get when a favorite uncle claims aliens beamed him to their spaceship, unzipped his skin, put it back on him backwards, then beamed him home. It's sad to witness a once-lucid loved one losing a grip on reality.
I never met a home improvement project that turned out to be simple.
The how-to guys make it sound as easy as baking a cake. But when the boxed mix says bake for 35 minutes, you know that in 35 minutes you will have a cake that looks just like the photo.
When the how-to guides insist that a home repair should last no more than four hours start to finish, you might as well book a hotel reservation before "start." Who knows when "finish" will happen, but in the meantime, you'll need a place to stay.
I think the most important home repair tool is a bulldozer.
It's what a guy from Middletown, N.Y., used last week. Frustration so overtook James Rhein, 48, that while his wife was running errands Monday, he rented a bulldozer and leveled the whole house.
Police charged Rhein with felony criminal mischief since the place was in his wife's name and because he didn't have a demolition permit.
The news stories painted Rhein as a crazy man. But I totally get it.
The rule of hammer-whapped thumb is that the thing you meant to fix is merely the deceptive gateway to adventures you never meant to experience.
Merely changing a light bulb can turn into five weeks and $7,000 if the lamp slips out of your hand. When the replacement lamp doesn't quite fit the decor, the next thing you know, you're being ordered to the do-it-yourself stores for paint, blinds, drapes and carpet. When you move all the furniture out of the room, it dings up both furniture and the other room, which leads to another frenzy.
Finally, the bulb burns out again, and you just sit in the dark because you fear the consequences of a minor fix.
A couple weeks ago, a young man who no longer admits to being related to us — let's call him Jay — figured he'd do us a favor by fixing a simple leak in our bathroom. What could it take: 10, 15 minutes tops?
For three days, we were without a toilet. And most of the bathroom floor. The project spilled, literally, into the basement, and wound its way outside to the septic system. We waded up to our carpenter's aprons in floorboards, crossbeams, pipes, plywood, saws, drills, tiles, plastic buckets, three birds and a stray cat.
Conversation dwindled from the delightful repartee of the first day to barks: "Crowbar!" "Nail gun!" "Noose!" And a few words not directly related to tools.
At one point, Jay popped through gaping chasm where the bathroom floor used to be and snapped, "Call!"
"Did."
"And?"
"Bulldozer's out till next week."
"Aurgh!" He dropped back into the basement. "Oars!"
I once heard a man claim he finished a home repair project on time and without a hitch. That man's a liar.
— Construct with Cole at the Burton W. Cole page on Facebook or at burtseyeview@tribtoday.com