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I am a habitually early riser.
I think it started when Kyle was an infant and had to be held upright after every feeding due to his severe reflux disorder. Poor little guy.
Talk about your tumultuous sleep patterns. Sheesh!
It worsened years later when I commuted to my job at Alliance Community Hospital every weekday. To be on the road by 6 a.m., I was usually up by around 4 a.m. or so. These days, I sleep until about 5 a.m., typically. Some days a little earlier, others a hair later.
But I never, ever, ever (as Taylor Swift would say) sleep past say, 7:15 a.m. Weekends, vacations, nuthin'. Like, ever.
So, it wasn't exactly shocking when, a few Saturdays ago, I found myself wide awake at four bells. 0400. Zero dark, um, zero.
Not wanting to wake the whole house by starting a cleaning project that might involve noise and resisting the urge to open my laptop and work some more (another compulsive habit in my downtime) ... I put on the TV.
And what to my wondering eyes should appear but a Christmas marathon -- in late October -- on the Hallmark channel.
Yes, it is a real television network.
And it's just like a Hallmark card. Sweet, warm, fuzzy, heartfelt ... kinda corny, a little sappy, oozing with sunny brightness and absolutely over-the-top glass-half-full mentality.
More like cup runneth over mentality. In other words, very PK like.
In case you've never seen a Hallmark Christmas movie, they go a little something like this: Someone hates Christmas. He or she may have had a close loved one die or had their family business bought out by a huge corporate conglomerate. The unpleasantness has already occurred off camera and explains their curmudgeon-ness.
He or she has to come home for Christmas or care for an orphaned niece or nephew. Mistletoe is everywhere and so is snow; except on sidewalks and streets and it falls in perfect tempo and diameter. Some mean girl surfaces at some point, just to ruin the life of a person who is on the cusp of an "AHA!" moment in which they have a conversation with Santa (and he's real, BTW) that melts their heart and makes them sweet and kind and selfless. And a lover of Christmas.
Cut to the final scene where the two main, beautiful man and woman characters fall madly in love on a beach in Hawaii, get three golden retriever puppies and raise the adopted niece or nephew in Christmastown.
Fade to black.
That about sums it up; any one of them. All of them.
The writing is completely predictable, the acting is awful, the plot is thinner than Twiggy. 1980s adult or child stars are featured.
It's awful and ridiculous and mindless and silly and a complete waste of time. I love it. And I will watch it from start to finish every single time.
And, as I looked around my world the other day, I thought: Why can't life be like a Hallmark Christmas movie? The storyline would go something like this:
We all begin the day with a quick prayer of thanks for our blessings and pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America and to the Republic for which it stands, one nation UNDER GOD indivisible with liberty and justice for all.
ISIS blows itself up. Glenn and Abraham don't die on "The Walking Dead."
Captain Steve Rogers, a/k/a Captain America is elected president with Clark Kent as his Super VP. Tony Stark (Ironman) is his secretary of defense and Diana "Wonder Woman" Prince is his secretary of state. Dr. Ben Carson is surgeon general. 'Cause that could really happen, yo...
The Cleveland Indians win the World Series and the Cavs, of course, repeat their NBA championship ways.
Everyone gets their dream job, meets the love of their life, wins the lottery, lives to be a healthy 100, respects one another and we all live happily ever after.
What? It could happen.
Kimerer is a Tribune Chronicle columnist who's still mourning the Indians' loss in Game 7 but looks forward to the Cavs winning the NBA Finals again in the very near future. Contact her via www.patriciakimerer.com.