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It has finally arrived. The day we've all been waiting for. You know, the big one. The one we are simultaneously anticipating and dreading. The reveal. The decision. The answer to the burning question.
Nope, not Nov. 8, people; I speak of the Season 7 premiere of AMC's television hit "The Walking Dead."
In case you live in an underground bunker, TWD, TV's #1 show, is a series set in a post-apocalyptic world where cannibalistic zombies aren't as scary as the planet's fellow survivors. It's gory and icky and bloody and depressing and happens to offer some of the finest writing, acting and costuming / make-up work you've ever seen in the history of television.
It … is … awesome.
Is it really, really wrong that I'm more excited about the Season 7 opener of TWD than I am about General Election Day 2016? #totallyserious
Wow. What can I say? After that last debate, I'm more stunned than ever that these are my choices for president of these United States. I am terrified that whoever wins may rip them apart, by the by.
Sadness.
When we left them, a large contingent of our core TWD cast was on their knees, lined up like cattle being led to slaughter. Standing over them was the show's newest antagonist, a goon named Negan who is set to bash the crud out of one (or maybe two) of our beloved main characters with a barbed-wire encrusted baseball bat he refers to as "Lucille."
Thanks for making me hate you, Jeffrey Dean Morgan. I digress.
Anyway, although I know the outcome is going to be devastating, the suspense is killing me. I guess that's just one of the ways the presidential election of 2016 is similar to TWD. Here are some others:
It's getting harder and harder to tell the good guys / gals from the bad ones.
She said she wanted open borders. Then she said she didn't say it. Hillary lies. He said he was sorry for making inappropriate advances toward women because he could get away with it as a famous person. Then he said he didn't do it at all. Donald lies. Evil Negan tortured, murdered and tried to blow up some of our favorite characters. In retaliation, good guy (he's a sheriff's deputy, for crying out loud) Rick Grimes killed Negan's people in their sleep.
Um, "Blurred Lines" ain't just a catchy pop tune from 2013, folks.
Everyone is starting to look like a zombie.
In the beginning of TWD, it was easy to tell the "real" people from their undead counterparts by their appearance. Seven years in, our folks are so tattered, bloodied and worn out on TWD that they kinda resemble the zombies they are trying to avoid being eaten by. Ditto Donald and Hillary. At the outset of the campaign, they both looked fairly fresh-faced and ready to go. Did you happen to catch the last debate? They both resembled toddlers about four hours overdue for a little nap. I'm thinking our candidates could use a little assistance from the creative genius make-up artists over on TWD before they pose for the cameras on Election Day -- especially as it morphs into evening, yes?
No one's very good at bluffing anymore.
Look, back in the day, Rick Grimes could hold his cards pretty dang close to the vest. It's how he outsmarted former adversaries Shane, Phillip (aka "The Governor") and Gareth. Now he's just too tired and defeated to even put up any pretenses. "I'm gonna kill you," he tells Negan, tipping his hand (which looks like it may be getting chopped off sometime soon). It's the same for Trump and Clinton. Their mutual disdain is undeniable.
I mean, if looks could kill, we wouldn't have ANY candidates running for president. Because, I swear if Hillary had "Lucille" in her hands at that last debate, Trump's head would look like the inside of a pumpkin. For his part, Trump can't stop from blurting insults like "She's such a nasty woman!" right to Hillary's face. They can't even suck it up enough to shake hands anymore.
I'm pretty sure even medieval jousters did that before dueling to the death back in the day. Geez.
Oh well. I won't be inviting Trump to any female coffee klatches anytime soon. Man, I really don't want a president who gropes women and treats them like crud. Oh, wait, 1996 is calling … it's for you, Bill. And speaking of Bill, I guess I can delete him and his wife from my Christmas card list since they clearly don't like Christians such as pk. Ugh.
Man ... at least TWD is just pretend. But on Nov. 8, one of these two is going to be headed to the White House for real.
Hmm.
Maybe we're at the start of the zombie apocalypse, after all?
Kimerer is a Tribune Chronicle columnist who doesn't love her presidential choices but absolutely adores her favorite TV show "The Walking Dead." Contact her with your predictions about both via www.patriciakimerer.com