Count on Cousin Dweezil to ask the tough (insane) questions

August 9, 2025

Cousin Dweezil sent me another one of her tidbits of what she considers wisdom: “I’ve found that if you tuck one part of your pants legs into your socks, people expect less of you.” OK, maybe that one is wise. But not all of the questionable quandaries, ponderances and quagmires that Dweezil chucks my way seem as well thought out. She once sent me this note: “Crazy people don’t know they’re crazy. I know I’m crazy, therefore, I’m not crazy. Isn’t that crazy?” Dweezil embraces the adage that misery loves company, and if you aren’t in a pickle, she’ll pinch ...

‘No fair! Your half is bigger than mine!’

August 2, 2025

The kid’s nose nearly dusted the brownie as he calculated to the millimeter where to place the plastic knife. His brother leaned in so closely to supervise that if he had been old enough to grow one, the brownie knife could have simultaneously trimmed his beard while dividing the brownie. This is what it’s like when Mom says you can have a treat as long as you share half with your sibling. No engineer has ever measured dimensions with the same precision as a sibling forced to go halfsies. As I watched the two boys divide the brownie, the years melted away like half a bowl of ice ...

Naked truth about that school dream

July 26, 2025

I awoke in a panic. I’d forgotten to feed the cat! For three weeks. Maybe four. Through the brain fog, I remembered opening a can of cat food. By now, it had to be an undulating mass of bugs that walked away on its own. I threw back the covers. The breeze made by the blankets must have scattered some of the brain fog, because suddenly, I remembered a key piece of data: I don’t have a cat. Nor do I have cat food, undulating or otherwise. I wiped sweat from my brow. No cat I have known would purr patiently and politely for four weeks. They’d be nipping at my nose and toes like ...

The day the micro waved goodbye after 18 years

July 19, 2025

My mouth watered for a supper of spaghetti and meatballs. Then tragedy struck. The microwave oven conked out. I was horrified. Terrified. Even a bit stupefied. What was I supposed to do now? Cook? Who even remembers the recipe for boiling water on a stove? I’d had the microwave for only 18 years. I have shirts older than that. Check photos from 20 years ago, maybe 30. Most of those shirts don’t fit anymore, but they aren’t on the fritz. Frayed and frazzled, maybe, but not fritzed. But find a photo of my kitchen from two decades ago and you’ll notice that microwave ...

With great age comes great (but questionable) wisdom

July 12, 2025

I scrolled across a meme that stated: “I’m not afraid of aging — just stairs, tiny print and chairs that sit too low.” Aging has to be about the weirdest adventure I’ve ever experienced. Roller coasters were the most upsetting, frightening and stomach tickling, but aging is coming close to that, too. British barrister John Mortimer, also one of my favorite authors, said, “The aging process is not gradual or gentle. It rushes up, pushes you over, and runs off laughing.” Or as a birthday card asked: “Know why old guys wear their pants up so high? You will soon.” I’m ...

Which of these apps is apt to let me pay my bill?

July 5, 2025

All I wanted to do was pay my bill. That’s it. I bought a service. I owed money. I intended to pay. Remember the old days when you could walk into a place and hand them cash or you could write a check and send it in the mail? Anymore, you need an advanced computer degree from MIT just to order a hamburger at a fast-food restaurant. “I’d like to order a…” “Sir, please, go back to the kiosk you ignored and place your order on the screen.” “But I just want a…” “We do not take orders at the counter. Over there. It’s a touchscreen. Simply tap on what you ...