Seriously, behaving like that can get you deported
If I live to be 100, I will never understand (fill in the blank).
How many times have we heard — or uttered — that phrase? Right. About a bazillion and a half, give or take.
And I can’t help but notice that a majority of this contingent of concern falls under a certain category of creatures: Hollywood celebrities.
Sure, sure, they are easy on the eyes. And we foolishly dole out money to be entertained by them in a plethora of ways. Either we purchase exorbitant television packages or drop serious coinage at the theater itself (where we’re totally going to spend even more on popcorn, sodas and various related snacks such as my personal fave, Sno-Caps) or buying their brand of what passes for music.
Here are some behaviors by some famous folk that not only baffle my brain but also make me wish I had the authority to deport celebrities. And when I use the term “celebrities,” I am being generous to the Nth degree, you dig? Some of these kids are no more celebrities than I am a Pulitzer Prize winner, a’ight?
Either way, back to the little rapscallions. What? It’s a word!
For my money, they could be some of the most underserving, ungrateful and frankly untalented brood of brats ever known to civilized mankind.
Exhibit #1: Ariana Grande.
In July 2015. Grande was in a California doughnut shop where security cameras captured her licking the doughnuts on display, replacing them in the case, and then boldly proclaiming that she hated America.
Let me assure you, little miss princess of phony patriotism, speaking on behalf of myself and what I believe is a large committee of concerned citizens, America’s not all that fond of you, either. I can have a list of departing flights from any U.S. airport available to you any time you wish.
Level of my understanding of you: 0.5
Exhibit #2: Britney Spears.
Her hair-shaving extravaganza notwithstanding, remember the time in 2007 when she stopped at a gas station and wound up using her green umbrella to nearly lance a few members of the paparazzi? She finally sped off before bludgeoning any victims.
But one of them had the good sense to profit from his almost pain: He kept the umbrella and auctioned it off 10 years later for a supposedly pretty penny.
Level of my understanding of you: 1
Exhibit #3: Lady Gaga.
Sure, she is easily one of the oddest peeps in pop culture despite her amazing voice. But did you know that she once spent $50,000 on a state-of-the-art ghost detector that she believed would keep her safe from evil spirits?
And here I was, thinking her meat dress was her oddest purchase? Yikes!
Level of my understanding of you: undetectable.
Kimerer is a columnist astounded by abnormal artists and their bizarre behavior. Share your ghost stories with her via email@example.com.