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There are some things in life I just don’t get

As long as I live — and just to be clear, I hope to be a burden on Kerry and Kyle for many years to come — whatever that duration may be, I’ll be forever perplexed about certain things on this big round ball of ours.

Sure, quantum physics, statistics (or “stats” as most college students refer to them), geometry and chemistry are among the sort of the universal “OK, now how exactly does that work, again?” topics.

Or maybe it’s just me? Which is entirely possible given my disdain for the latter two when I was in high school 1 jillion years ago.

Let’s just say that it’s a good thing my chemistry instructor, Mr. DeVincent, had a fondness for me. OK, fine, maybe not so much a fondness as perhaps a great amount of pity. I seem to recall him remarking how astounded he was to meet someone who understood so LITTLE about chemistry.

But God love him (and I know I still do), he passed me with a “C” so as not to wreck my otherwise fairly impressive overall GPA.

“Well, you never miss class, you try very hard and you have a very positive outlook. I think we can count those for something, Pat,” he said, scrolling through tests that had percentages lower than fat in skim milk. Seriously.

But back to some of the other stuff that I simply don’t get:

・ Why gas stations sell sushi… or sandwiches… or pizza… or nachos with cheese… or hot dogs that look like they are 114 years old in people days. Um, I’m sorry but BLECH!!!! Dude, drive the half-mile down the street to get to the Wendy’s, for heaven’s sake!

・ Why people buy (and eat) the above-mentioned gas station foods? HARD GULP.

・ Why companies give us the “opt-out” choice from receiving their daily emails. Come now, why the ruse? They will clearly never stop emailing us, so why pretend?

How am I so sure it’s an empty promise? Because no matter how many times I “opt out,” I continue to receive warnings about “threatening calls from the IRS,” as well as sketchy messages about technical support, bank fraud and fake charity appeals.

Sigh.

Then there is my most hated of them all: the grandparent scam. Can you believe some of those nasty little punks had the audacity to try it on both my mom and my father-in-law?

Grrrrrr.

The gist of the grandparent scam is as such: a young caller phones an elderly man / woman claiming to be his / her grandson or granddaughter and crying that they need bail money because they’ve been arrested. It’s usually accompanied by a request not to tell my parents and instead “just wire over the money ASAP.”

Oh, if I could ever get my hands on those buggers, and the horrible dude who was this close to scamming me out of big bucks last summer… well, I’d say what I’m thinking but I know that’s not what Jesus would do.

Speaking of whom, He sees all you little scuzzballs trying to steal money from the elderly — and the overly trusting middle-aged. Don’t think it won’t be an issue at those pearly gates, capisce.

Oh well, be careful online, all. Because spam isn’t just pork with ham meat added, you dig?

Kimrerer is a columnist who is seriously considering deleting all her email accounts. Hurry to send her your thoughts at pkimerer@zoominternet.net.

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