‘Home Alone’: Is it a quarantine forecaster?

My Sentiments Exactly

Here we are, less than a week away from the New Year. hurrah.

No, I really mean it.

Sorry, I should have probably proclaimed that point more passionately. Let me try that again: I’m solidly, and significantly super-stoked to say sayonara to this stinking stretch. Seriously.

Ah, that’s more like it! A perfectly punned PK plosive, if you please. Ahem.

The point I belabor is this: 2021 is a not-so-old acquaintance I’d actually prefer “be forgot.” Frankly, that big glittery ball just can’t drop fast enough for old PK. If this past year was a Christmas present, I’d have returned it this morning at precisely two seconds after midnight.

And getting back to midnight…

Sure, the annual, amusing antics and allegedly appealing acts offered via “Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve.” IS always a hoot-and-holler to behold. The Times Square-based TV special (now hosted by Ryan Seacrest) is engagingly entertaining — especially when things take a hard left.

Such was the case in 2017 when headliner Mariah Carey had the earpiece episode heard ’round the world. Her official excuse for stomping offstage without belting out a single song — not to mention a coherent thought — was vocal cord pain agitated by NYC’s chilly air. Oh, and a broken headset.

Hmm. Maybe.

I guess she could have had gear glitches and a funky pharynx? Then again, I do recognize a wittle bitty tempur tantwum when I see one; not to mention, the songstress seemed sloshed. Earpiece schmearpiece. My money’s on the two magnums deep into the bubbly she clearly was by, eh, I guessing around 8:47 p.m. or so.

She goofed-up that gig worse than the thick-headed thieves in “Home Alone.” The first one, when Macaulay Culkin was cute. And sweet. And huggably endearing. And not, you know, Michael Jackson-level odd, er, I mean, eccentric, like he is now that he’s all grown up.

Sorry for the swipe at the late, great “Thriller” genius and his huggable little sidekick / BFF. Oh, and just to be clear, that latter reference was to Culkin, not Bubbles, the chimpanzee Jackson venerated with the same ardor most of us reserve for like, you know, Ghandi.

But back to the bad little boy who bests the two bungling burglars who are heck-bound on breaking into his house — where his parents accidentally left him as they flew to France, BT Dubs. #ParentsOfTheYear

All’s well by movie’s end, of course, including a revelation that the “evil” elderly man who lives next door is actually, well, just a misunderstood old sweetie pie. In fact, he winds up teaching Kevin (Culkin’s character) the following life lessons, which I thought were the perfect plot line for my last column of the year:

・ Be careful what you wish for — sometimes its fruition isn’t exactly the end goal you had planned.

・ It’s not just kids who get scared. Old people do, too — and we mid-lifers. And the 20-somethings. And tweens and … You get it; we are all afraid at times, a’ight?

・ Family matters. It matters a lot. Period. When a loved one calls, you pick up. Every single time, you dig?

・ Don’t judge. Just because someone looks gruff and tough on the outside doesn’t mean they aren’t warm and fuzzy where it counts most.

A bonus nugget I gleaned from “Home Alone” is this: You always find the right answer in church, capisce?

Happy New Year, y’all!

Kimerer is a kooky columnist wishing everyone a HNY and inviting them to visit www.patriciakimerer.com in 2022.


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