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Hacked, sacked and completely bushwhacked

I am trusting by nature. Always have been. Always will be.

Still, I ought to have known better.

Look, I realize I’m no Einstein. Or Descartes. Or Newton. Or da Vinci. Many people don’t realize it but, in addition to his artist gig, Leonardo da Vinci was a bona fide genius. Literally.

By most estimates, his intelligence quotient was at least 200 and maybe as high as 220. That’s like, “super smarts” status. Da Vinci’s modern-day resume would include painter, sculptor, architect, musician, mathematician, engineer, inventor, anatomist, geologist, and more, including — wait for it — ah yes, writer.

As if I wasn’t feeling inadequate enough already.

It got my gray matter going, though, so I searched the sitch — and became officially depressed. Ugh.

There are approximately 8,362 different iterations and interpretations of the flipping IQ scale. I considered a coin toss, but figured that sort of thinking would land me on the very bottom of all the charts. Ergo, I made the most logical deduction. Or at least, in my “just one level smarter than Fredo” mind, it was.

I went on the assumption that sheer evolution, technology, widespread access to information and extensive educational options make the most recent graph, the Wechsler (WAIS-III) 1997 IQ test classification, the best bet. And frankly, the kindest. Nowhere does it include the words defective, backward, feeble-minded, dull, imbecile or idiot.

Hey, Levine and Marcus (some meaner IQ test-makers), you kissed your mothers with those mouths? Rude.

Here Weschler’s take:

IQ Range 130 and above — very superior;

120 to 129 — superior;

110 to 119 — high average;

90 to 109 — average;

80 to 89 — low average;

70 to 79 — borderline;

69 and below — extremely low.

I’m putting myself at a range of about negative 75 or something, based on the boneheaded behavior of trusting a hacker.

All I’ll say is this “David” — the hacker who “alerted” me to fraudulent activity on my Amazon account — is a Devious David who is the devil in disguise. And guess what Demon David? You reap what you sow. And with police alerted to as much detail as I could possibly give them, my true, sincere prayer is not only for you to get royally reaped but also sown — shut.

You’re lucky my kid doesn’t know who you really are and where you live, “David,” capisce you little creep?

But then, like a light in the darkness emerged a dependable, devoted, dedicated David. For reals. Patrolman David Jones of the Boardman Police Department, to me, you are not only a godsend and an outstanding police officer, but one of the finest humans on this big blue ball — a benevolence brainiac, so to speak.

This David’s compassion capacity? VERY SUPERIOR. In fact, off all the charts. Thank you from the bottom of my broken heart, Officer (and gentleman) Jones. In God and the BPD, I trust.

As for web security — from now on, I’ll get certifications, authorizations, drivers’ license / ID badge numbers, direct phone extensions, home addresses, paternal-great grandfather’s nationalization records, birth certificates and hair / blood samples. Then speak to the CEO. Then hang up.

I suggest you do this — buy stuff in actual stores. With cash. During the day. Wearing a prosthetic nose. Like “Shrek” pal “Gingerbread Man” advises: DON’T TELL ‘EM ANYTHING!

Columnist Kimerer’s crying and considering chucking her computer. Contact her caringly at www.patriciakimerer.com.

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