This columnist endured a week from cell

My Sentiments Exactly

How was your week?

Probably, like mine, a little wonky from the start, right?

Let’s face it, whenever there’s a legal holiday that, in essence, causes Monday to become Sunday, the whole week is just off. You head back into the office feeling like it’s the day it should be, not the day it is, capisce?

It takes at least until Wednesday before you realize it’s, you know, actually, really, legitimately Wednesday.

Unless, of course, like many folks, you took off Tuesday as well to adjust for say, jet lag from returning home from vacation. Then you’re just pretty much doomed until the next week, yo.

To compound the crazy my cell caused chaos.

Rejecting calls, randomly powering down and delaying VMs for days; it made last week the week from cell … and inspired the following poem:

There once was a phone from a cell store

That took messages, photos and much more.

It kept time, place and date, counted calories I ate

Tracked my steps and my sleep and my snore score.

It took care to give perfect directions

Offered recipes for tons of confections

Lit my way in the dark; found a great little park

Where I basked in great nature’s perfection.

Before long, ’twas my constant companion

Gave support with such reckless abandon.

Stored my pics, files and notes, found me cute little jokes

And in general was just my right hand, man.

Out of nowhere like bad boyfriends from past days

My old buddy went suddenly sideways

He stopped taking calls, gave a sputtering stall:

All connection was gone and we parted ways.


Like a true foolish jerk, I just gave in.

And I gave him some more consideration.

I rebooted again as I tried to be friends

Even going back to our first spot of origin.

And so, there we were, back at the cell store

Undergoing the scans that were definitely hard core.

As I wondered and waited, I just mentally debated,

Is it worth it to stick with this old bore?

Or give into the shiny temptation

Of the cell co.’s most recent creation,

For this new fabulous model’s like a babe tightly swaddled

In a cocoon of complete imagination!

It does everything you can think of and then some

Snaps your pics and your videos, searches sun fun.

Downloads music and films, takes your temp, pays the bills

And perhaps might just tally up your pension?

‘Cause today’s latest cellphone is tremendous

Every feature, cool gadget and great benefit.

It only costs a cool grand to look great in your hand…

‘Til next week — when its replacement’s STUPENDOUS.

So I’ll stick with my old, silly version

In its clunky old case of immersion

Old and worn just like me! That’s OK, don’t you see?

I’m ridiculously loyal as a person.

— Kimerer is a columnist who hates changing phones — especially for new ones that cost more than her first car. Contact on your cell via www.patriciakimerer.com


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