Let me tell you why America doesn’t stink

My Sentiments Exactly

My fellow Americans:

I’m not positive why I started things out that way this Independence Day. I guess it’s just that I’ve just always really, really wanted to say that, you know? Sounds so very presidential.

Oh, I get it, I couldn’t be further from being an even remotely electable candidate as president of these United States. I mean, I’m far more familiar of the plot of the “House of Cards” than the one with all those representatives running about fussing and fighting.

Although, come to think of it, one of our best-loved commander-in-chiefs was actually a former Hollywood hunk, yo. There are those who think of him as one of the best U.S. prezes ever, even.

Yet, at one point, well before being sworn in as the 40th national head honcho, his second banana was a chimpanzee — so, there’s that.

But to be fair, I truly am not very qualified since I have little to no experience in or know-how of the whole processo politico. Then again, community organization as a main qualification was the criticism of one recent president.


Another reason I’m not a good choice is I’m a complete neophyte. An outsider. Someone who’s entirely disassociated with that whole convoluted D.C. political scene. Oh yeah, right, we did have one kooky nonpolitician / billionaire sitting in there not that long ago.

More hmm.

And now we seem to have one of Snow White’s housemates occupying that space: Dopey — oops, I meant to say Sleepy.


OK, I might not be the biggest fan of many of the dudes who’ve rolled that big leather chair around that weird-shaped Oval Office — as individuals, that is. I’m still hoping Dolly Parton gets the nomination sometime soon.

Sigh. That’s really not the point.

This is: Grumpy or Sneezy or plain old Icky, as have been some (or most) of the residents of 1600 Pennsylvania Ave., have been (remember how Bill Clinton spent leisure time there — blech!), I’d still rather live in ‘Murica than anywhere else on this big blue globe of ours.

So don’t you dare try to naysay my homeland on this, her 245th birthday, after all, she gave birth to some of the greatest inventions in the history of history. Seriously.

Good stuff that came courtesy of the good old US of A include:

Planes, trains and automobiles. We invented cars and airplanes, not to mention starting the whole nifty little program called the National Aeronautics and Space Administration. You may have heard we were the first peeps to set foot on that other big rock nearby — um, the moon?

Bonus points to those who knew we also created submarines.

Ooh, we were also the ones who solved that whole, how do we get from the Atlantic to the Pacific easier when we built the Panama Canal, BAM!

How’s about a little something called transatlantic communication? Came by way of an American named Cyrus West Field, just sayin’. Think you’d have your cellphone today if not for the tinkering of an American gentleman by the name of Alexander Graham Bell?

Yeah, I thought not.

Many moons later, say voila to other amazing stuff America’s given society, i.e. McDonald’s, Han Solo, Coca-Cola, M&Ms and Disney World and Land.

Still unconvinced? Our team made Netflix, a’ight?

At our core, Americans want freedom for all and since we kinda broke up with England all those years ago, we’ve prided ourselves on being good neighbors to each other and the world — one nation, under God, and indivisible with a deep desire for justice for all.

And adoring Elvis, capisce?

Happy Independence Day, and God Bless America, y’all!

— Paint Kimerer red, white an blue. Wave flags with her at www.patriciakimerer.com.


Today's breaking news and more in your inbox

I'm interested in (please check all that apply)
Are you a paying subscriber to the newspaper? *


Starting at $4.62/week.

Subscribe Today