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My unbiased opinion on conflicting communiques

My Sentiments Exactly

I saw this Hyundai commercial the other day that challenges Americans (and probs all the other residents of the third rock where Hyundais are sold) to “Question Everything.”

It’s a full minute of film, TV, music and sports celebrities driving in, lying next to, loading the back hatch of or just hovering near their SUVs. Each asks their passengers / pals questions about things that don’t make sense.

Italian-American chef, writer and television personality Giada DeLaurentiis, ponders, “Why is it called pineapple when it’s not pine or an apple?” as she piles some into her car.

Word, Giada. As in, it’s a weird word. “I just work at a fruit stand,” comments the stander-by.

Actor Jason Bateman wonders aloud to his co-pilot, “Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?” Later he asks the same buddy, “Why do they call it a your funny bone? You ever hit it? It’s not funny.”

Preach, you cutie patootie, you. Oops, mi dispiace.

Ahem.

As they lounge staring up at the clouds on a picnic blanket spread open in front of her SUV, comedian Mindy Kaling queries her pals, “If you enjoy wasting time, is it really wasted?” Later, she tosses out, “If you had amnesia, and then were cured, would you remember that you forgot?”

Wait, what is the actual question again, Mindy?

Nate Berkus, interior designer to the stars, loads a woven basket into his hatch while asking his pillow-filled, basket-toting gal pal, “If there’s an exception to every rule, is there an exception to THAT rule?” She rolls her eyes.

Adorable as Nate is, I’m down with the frown, yo.

Basketball superstar Kawhi Leonard astutely observes, to his passengers (fellow ballers?), “Yo, why does quicksand work so slowly?”

Three points, Kawhi.

Then there’s my favorite question — from singer Becky G.: “Shouldn’t the word ambiguous have more than one meaning?”

I feel like I’ve found a synonym soul sister.

I feel these are all fair questions. In fact, they got me to thinking about some stuff that has never translated for me. These phrases, for me, are contradictory communique, capisce?

No? Me neither, which is the point. I dislike terms such as:

• Mutual differences. So, wait, are these things similarities or opposing views? I mean, if we’re all really saying the same thing, then I’m guessing Donald Trump and Joe Biden are really actually BFFs, yes? Hmm.

• Curved line. Sure, lots of folks with brains way bigger than mine can squire this one away with some mathematical explanation. But to a words girl like yours truly, these are polar opposite things. One is straight. The other ain’t.

P.S. Did I ever mention our mantra in the Communications Majors club in college was “No Math, No Science!”?

• Clearly confused. This one makes me madder than a wet hen. (How mad do they actually get, anyway? Like, bathe a cat mad?) Why? Because I find myself using it, ding dang it! This makes me obviously clueless. See what I did there?

• Definite maybe. Someone who meets this criteria is clearly confused, am I right?

• Same difference. Just no. It’s either similar or dissimilar. Are Democrats identical to Republicans? OK then, don’t make me revisit the Trump / Biden bromance.

• Honorable mentions include larger half, jumbo shrimp and deafening silence.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got a pound of ground beef I’m trying to revive from its “freezer burn.”

— Kimerer claims to be an oxymoron without the first three letters. But you can still reach her at www.patriciakimerer.com.

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