PK pontificates perplexed pandemic ponderings

Ahhhhh-tum. As in, don’t look now but autumn has reared its rustic orange head.

And even though the air is chilling, the daylight’s dwindling and the leaves are super-nova-ing toward their collective final resting place (apparently, my kitchen floor?), little else seems typical about good old apple cider season this year.

In fact, the 2020 version of autumn might literally require me to take Tums — and an extra-strength Tylenol or two, too. Sigh.

It’s no surprise that fall is really, really well, weird this year.

First there wasn’t going to be school. Then there was. Then there wasn’t again.

Then there was … but only online. Then the scheme was for an amalgamation, part virtual, part face-to-face classes — well, mask-to-mask, anyway.

Oh and the whole sports scene. Yes, there’s college football! No, wait, there isn’t. Then BAM! The Vegas bookies dealt the Big 10 a new hand … but it only has four cards.

Basically, everything is tentative. So plan accordingly. Wink.

Alas, no matter how our very status as a planet may have changed drastically since you read the first line of this piece, here are some random ramblings I’ve had WAY too much time to pandemic ponder, people:

• How come Nostradamus didn’t warn us about this crap?

• Are we flipping having trick-or-treating or not?

• If we can open casinos, why can’t little old ladies play bingo?

• Why does my neighbor only work on loud outdoor projects when I’m in a Zoom meeting?

• Are everybody’s ears sticking out more now or is it just mine?

• Where’s the beginning and end of that single strand of spider web you occasionally see? Why is it always that I only notice it as I’m walking through it? What happens to the critter that spun it and do I now have spider spawn scalp? SHUDDER.

• Where do all the lightning bugs go and when and why and how? How long do they blink into the night? How do they even know when it’s getting dark? Do drive-in movie theater owners dial them at dusk? While we’re at it, why do some people call them fireflies?

• Are we or are we not still in Phase I of you-know-what? Is there a second wave coming and is going to be tame or tsunami?

• Why do some humans insist on referring to the pandemic in the past tense? For instance, how come some commercials and promotions are telling us it’s time to get unstuck… or to resume travel… or trying to force us to shower every day? Sheesh!

Speaking of the boob tube (am I still allowed to say that?)…

• Who determines when television and streaming programs / movies can resume filming / taping / recording? When the heck is “Stranger Things” coming back???

• Am I the only one who wants Patrick Stewart to throat punch Mark Hamill in their commercial? Aren’t we all secretly hoping James Earl Jones will swing by on his way to Arby’s and do his whole “strangling you from afar” thing on his film offspring?

•l Did Rob Lowe REALLY put on quarantine weight? Have a gazillion people really dropped pounds via Atkins?

• Why did they hype a presidential debate and then run a showing of “Grumpy Old Men”? Read: This includes you, Chris Wallace.

• If we’re all in this together; how come we’re treating each other like Lucy does Charlie Brown every time he tries to punt?

Be nice or I’m Vulcan nerve pinching y’all, capisce? #BeKind

Kimerer is a columnist who’ll support the candidate securing permanent standard time in Ohio. Contact her at www.patri ciakimerer.com.


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