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Ups and downs of quarantine … mostly downs

I know, I know. I’m sort of shifting direction.

Last week I gave you lots of suggestions for avoiding certain topics related to a certain issue dominating certain lives. Like, um, the lives of all those of all the humans currently residing on the third rock from the sun.

In my last offering, I asked you to stop listening to all the COVID-19 talk and practically begged you to steer clear of even thinking about anything related to the pandemic. And now, here I am, addressing it head-on.

I suppose you could say I flipped. Or flopped. Or flip-flopped. Or waffled. Or changed positions. Cut me some slack; it IS political season after all.

At least, I mean, I THINK it is. I’m not going to lie, it’s kind of hard to remember what solstice … or month … or day of the week it is anymore. Just chalk it up to quarantesia.

Unfamiliar with quarantesia? Oh, that’s an old-world term. It actually comes from the Latin. Loosely translated, it means “those things of which you no longer have familiarity due to maximus locked-down-ed-ness.”

OK, you busted me, it’s a Pattyism. But it’s basically those things that you have forgotten since having been consistently confined to your casa, capisce?

In other words, here’s some stuff I no longer remember how to do:

– Put gas in my car. I mean, I can if I try hard enough, sure, but I used to know automatically which side of the pump to pull up next to, ya dig? Now, I’m that brake-gas-brake-gas moron you get stuck behind, inching my way along — stalling long enough to find the little emblem on the dashboard panel pointing to the correct spot. Sigh.

– Wear shoes. Or even, like, how to coordinate outfits from the waist down? Let’s face it; we’re all pretty much facing it these days — as in most of us are Facetime-ing or Teams-chatting or Zoom-ing meetings several times a week in a head-and-shoulders sort of manner and not in any official pre-pandemic meeting capacity, am I right?

– Watch a single episode of any given series, one program at a time. In today’s binge-crazy, video-on-demand, 24/7-streaming society, it’s glaringly apparent that we are well beyond the days of waiting a week — or like, four minutes, to zip right on over to the next installment of a new favorite show, yo.

Case in point: three seasons of “Ozark” over and done inside of a work week. Mic drop.

Then again, there’s some stuff that the quarantine has also made me remember, such as:

– How much I love to cook. I mean this. I seriously love feeding my fam. I just do.

– How much I hate to dust. You do it. Fourteen seconds later, ya gotta do it again. Hate it, period. And now I can’t avoid it as easily. Blech.

– How much laundry three adults and one dog can generate per week! It’s kind of scary, I’m just sayin’.

To be fair, there are a few things I’ll actually miss, like having my 20-year-old son home. Dreading his leaving more than I can say. Either way.

There’s also the advantage of how far I’m able to stretch makeup purchasing and self-hair-coloring sessions in quarantine. And finally…

Um, yeah, that’s all I got. ‘Cause the stuff I will not miss about quarantine? Everything else. Seriously. Literally. Everything. Make it stop, already.

Kimerer is a columnist / blogger who is super glad for time at home with her kid but really wants to go hug the world. Send her virtual high fives at www. patriciakimerer.com

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