Punxsutawney Phil is a liar; 49ers are doomed
The thing about Groundhog Day and the Super Bowl being on the same day is — other than the fact that it’s only happened once before — it’s just double the depression for old PK. Here’s why:
No. 1: There’ll never NOT be more winter after Groundhog Day.
Look, I’m sorry to toss such shade his way but PA’s Punxsutawney Phil always burns me, and not with UV rays, you dig? Dude hardly ever sees his dumb shadow and even when he does, it’s clearly just from the brilliance of 8 bazillion mega-watt bulbs from 5,000 TV cameras blaring on him, not sunlight.
They can call him PUNK-atawney Phil, as far as I’m concerned. He really puts the GRRRRR in groundhog for we winter loathers.
His identical Ohio cousin, Buckeye Chuck, is no pal o’ mine, either. Rotten little buggers.
Just once I’d like to see them emerge from their respective caverns wearing Hawaiian shirts and sporting Ray-Bans while sipping little umbrella drinks and chattering: “THE END IS NEAR! Summer starts in two weeks, people. Get your beach bodies ready!”
But NOOOOOOOOOO. It’s always “six more weeks of winter” — and then four after that.
And usually another two added on to ensure that spring blizzard, natch.
No. 2: Whoever I root for in the Super Bowl will lose.
Even though I’m never heavily invested, it’s always a bit of a letdown when my backing is the kiss of death for a team. Sorry in advance, 49ers.
Invariably, the team I would’ve liked to see never makes it there — not since 1984, anyway: the Miami Dolphins.
Yeah, I know what you’re thinking. I should be a Steelers or Browns fan. But I can’t, okay? I just can’t, so back off!
SHUDDER. Sorry — flashbacks from my childhood trauma.
Oh, I know it’s not politically correct to discuss and in certain circles. You really can’t even broach the subject. I grew up as the offspring of what some might refer to as a “mixed marriage.” Yep, I said it. Because my pop is a Steelers fan while me mum is Browns girl.
I mean, uber-conservative Mary Matalin and liberal leaning James Carville’s daughters probably had less conflict in their Republican vs. Democrat household than the frenzy that was MY upbringing.
You must remember that, during my formative years, we went straight from the Steel Curtain era of Pittsburgh’s NFL dominance into the hopeful-yet-always-falling-short age when the Kardiac Kids were continually kind of a contender.
Although my siblings picked sides (Danny followed Dad down the yellow-and-black brick road while Gina made her stake up on the lake like Mom), I didn’t want to make anyone upset by selecting one team over the other.
So I looked around for the team with the coolest colors (turquoise and orange rocks!), nicest coach (then Don Shula), cutest QB (hello, Dan Marino!) and absolute best helmet emblem.
Sadly, there hasn’t been much to “high five” about on the Dolphins since Dan made glove commercials.
Oh well, I’ve always been an NBA girl, anyway. #Mamba4Ever #RIPKobe
And, like 2 trillion other humans, I’m really only interested in seeing the commercials this evening. Oh! And the halftime show.
Come on now, J-Lo AND Shakira? Yasssssss! This is really just a fabulous GIRL POWER concert with some boys playing block and tackle around it, capisce?
Kimerer is a huge J-Lo fan rooting for the Niners and no more winter. Spring on over to her blog, www.patriciakimerer.com