An open letter to those not freezing to death in Ohio
My Sentiments Exactly
An open letter to my family members and friends who live in snow-free locations:
Hello! I hope this note finds you well and happy.
Gosh, who can believe we’re almost done with 2019. It’s been another whirlwind year at Casa Kimerer!
Say, as a special favor in the spirit of the impending holiday season, I was wondering if I could bother you to please not speak to me until mid-May of 2020? That’d be so great, thanks.
For real, though.
Those of you who hang your hats in Tennessee — or any other warm-climate locale — may have missed it but your frozen friends up north? Yeah, we got a blast this past week. And not from the past.
Forget the fake news you read in the The Old Farmer’s Almanac or via seasonal calendar dictates. It is flipping winter around these parts, you dig? ‘Cause we do dig — as in from out from underneath Mother Nature’s premature punishment of the white stuff … and some seriously frigid temps to go along with it.
Oh, I can hear you California girls (and boys), Floridians, Kentucky-born-and-bredders, sweet Carolinians and random OKC’ers laughing at us from here, especially you turncoat transplants, and YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE.
I’m going to tell you what my then-toddler son used to say as I shoved strained broccoli his way: “Yook, I sorry but I just don’t yike it.”
Yeah, that’s right. You live in the warm sunshine, accidentally tanning in January or having to switch on the A/C in late February. And here am I, shriveling and turning blue whilst I kick off eight months of winter in the Buckeye State … and I just don’t yike it.
Is it your fault I live here instead of there? No. Could I find a way to relocate to a warmer environment? Well, that is definitely the long-term plan, but the short answer is: Yes.
Am I being an unreasonable baby by holding your bright, beautiful environments against you? Unquestionably.
Then again, I’m not entirely different from Ronny Cammareri, a main character in one of my all-time favorite flicks, “Moonstruck,” and played to absolute perfection by Nicholas Cage.
He tells future sister-in-law Loretta (sent to him to broker peace), why there is bad blood between him and her fiance, his brother, Johnny. Ronny explains that he hates Johnny for still having his hand and his bride-to-be even though Ronny lost both of his due to the bakery accident that maimed him.
Loretta (portrayed by Cher in an Academy Award-winning performance) hints at how unfair Ronny’s being and tells him, “But that’s not Johnny’s fault.” Ronny rages, “I don’t care! I ain’t no freaking monument to justice! You want me to put my heartbreak away and forget?”
I feel you, Ronny. My fair-weather fam has waved me off, too. And they didn’t even need gloves to do it!
Listen up, hotties: Until the temperature won’t morph a cup of water into a cinder ice block in 18 seconds, the wind doesn’t turn my blowing hair into face-slicing razors and the circulation returns in at least some of my extremities #RaynaudsIs Real — do NOT Instagram your short-shorts shots holding an umbrella drink while standing beneath a palm tree at Beach Fabulosity, understand?
Or as soon as my fingers thaw, you’ll be getting a snarky Snapchat reply revealing only one of them, capisce?
Yook, I sorry.
Yours Truly Frozen,
Kimerer is a columnist who’s dreaming of a white Christmas … and a green every other day of the year. Check out her warm vibes at www.patriciakimerer .com