The grocery store — a food mart or alternate universe?

If you know me at all, you know that PK’s got a few, well, um, let’s just call them by their proper monikers, shall we? They are my obsessions.

Hey, we’ve all got our stuff. Don’t pretend you’re immune. At least I own it. Whatever.

Anyhoo, said fixations include but are not necessarily limited to:

• The boy. I know, quite a shocker; my kid tops the list. #Duh

• La famiglia. That amazing kid came from somewhere, right?

• Faith. I’m a card-carrying member of the Holy Trinity fan club, you dig? If you aren’t already acquainted, you might want to check ’em out; they’re pretty cool.

• Donut House Chocolate-Glazed Doughnut k-cup coffee with a generous dollop of a mixture of the hazelnut and French vanilla Sugar Free Coffee Mate flavors. Not sure why vanilla’s always French but, either way, YUM. And proof that the higher power not only exists, but he’s got great taste, too.

• Sunshine. All. The. Sunshine. All. The. Time. Secondary reference: laughter.

• Twenty-One Pilots, the Grammy-winning Columbus-based band with sage, inspirational, and witty lyricism and a wickedly fabulous sound meshing rock, rap, even a hint of bluesy gospel. Don’t listen to ’em? I feel sad for you. Seriously.

“The Real Housewives.” I take no pride in that admission, BT dubs.

“Stranger Things.” I touched on this last week, but realize many have nary a clue about the Netflix series. Our pals at Wikipedia offer the following synopsis (my two-cents are added accordingly):

“ST” is an American science fiction horror web television series created, written and directed by the Duffer Brothers. Set in the fictional town of Hawkins, Ind., in November 1983, the first season focuses the disappearance of a young boy amid supernatural events, including the appearance of a girl with psychokinetic abilities named Eleven who helps in the search.

The second season, set one year later, deals with the characters’ attempts to return to normality in the aftermath of season one.

“ST 3” occurs in July 1985 and continues to explore all that was totally tubular about the 1980s (music, clothing, arcade games), as well as to glimpse deeper into the existence of an alternative, scary reality directly opposite ours.

It appears to be made possible through some sort of time continuum and is often referred to as “The Upside Down.” Much effort is spent searching for and opening / closing portals to the counterfeit consciousness.

Guess what? I accidentally located a portal to the Upside Down — it’s at the grocery store!

Much like that eerie ecosphere in ST, here’s a sampling of the creepiness I encountered at the market:

• A sudden inability to count. As in “12 Items or Less” still means no more than 12 but no one remembers how many fingers and toes that is.

• A vacuum where humanity should reside. Think buggy tailgating; forced faulty and way-too-fast bagging methods; and doors shutting in the faces of babies and octogenarians. For shame!

• And the granddaddy of ’em all: monsters such as the Beast Breathing Fire (literally) as she simultaneously shifted into reverse, slammed down on the gas and lit her cigarette, all the while oblivious to the young mom and two toddlers running out of her path.


Let’s all try harder to make reality better for ourselves and our cohabitators, even those fire-swilling “mouth breathers” ignorant to the concept of man’s decency to man.

Be kind to each other — or I’m going to have to go angry Eleven on all y’all, capisce?

Kimerer is a Tribune Chronicle columnist whose passions are harmless — unless you cross her kid, yo. Check out her big ’80s ‘do and more: www.patriciakimerer .com


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