Sexes are so different they’re a galaxy apart

Mars and Venus. How far apart are they, really?

I mean, I remember the third-grade acronym clarifying the proper order of the third rock and our neighboring planets: Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, Neptune and Pluto.

The way I recall it is, “My Very Excellent Mother Just Served Us Nine Potatoes.”

Yes, POTATOES. Although I always said pickles in my own head… ’cause I love pickles. I digress.

Potatoes or pickles belie the point — the P in the abbreviation stands for Pluto because it is a planet. Oh yes, it is, ding dang it!

That’s what I was taught, it’s what I believe and I did my flippity-floppity seventh-grade science fair project on it so, I’ve got skin in this game, a’ight? Pluto = Planet, PERIOD people.

The debate still rages on whether she’s a planet or a dwarf planet or what.

You know who decided Pluto was no longer relevant enough to hold planet status — just because she’s a little smaller than the other overgrown spheres in our solar system? Astronomer Michael E. Brown, that’s who. Hmpf.

Sure, a dude made that call. Did anyone bother to consult us gals before demoting poor little Pluto to Neptune’s sidekick?

Just because Pluto’s petite doesn’t mean she should be kicked to the celestial curb. I mean, she’s got a moon, for goodness sakes! Grrr.

Which brings me back to my original question.

According to spacedictionary.org, they are 74,402,987 miles apart. That’s 119,740,000 kilometers for those keeping score in the metric system. Oh, that’s another column for another day, folks. Ahem.

From where I sit, there’s an entire earth and a whole buncha galaxy between Mars and Venus. Yet, it’s not enough.

That is to say to Dr. John Gray, author of the book “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus: The Classic Guide to Understanding the Opposite Sex,” um, you’re wrong, pal, just like the Pluto killers.

Here’s why: While hugely different, they’re still too similar for the gender comparison. It should’ve probably been Mars and at least Jupiter, you feel me?

Of course you don’t, you’re from Mars and I’m from Jupiter. Duh.

Let me help bridge this cosmos-plus between us:

No, we’re never going to stop babying the children no matter how old they get or how far away they move. NEVER. So, please for the love of all that is holy, stop asking and expecting us to.

Yes, we do have to watch the “Christmas in July” marathon on the Hallmark channel. But, to be fair to you Martians, you can use all the DVR space you want for “Live PD.” We promise not to get angry even if you need to wipe out our favorite episode of “Sex & the City.”

Yes, we ARE going to cry when we drop our children off at daycare, kindergarten, camp and college. Every fall semester and post-Christmas break for that last one, too. Deal with it. We, in turn, will pretend to understand when you won’t cry about that but WILL if the paint on your new truck gets chipped.

Yes, we occasionally need to buy undergarments. Might we gently suggest you do likewise, since yours look like a piece of Swiss cheese both Tom AND Jerry have gnawed their way through?

Look, we get it that we don’t get it. We just want you to, too, capisce? We do kinda like you. I mean, after all, we ARE part of the same solar system.

Let’s not give Marvin the Martian any ammunition for obliterating earth to improve his view of Venus, ‘kay?

Kimerer is a Tribune Chronicle columnist originally from the Jupiter’s big red blotch and reachable via www.patricia kimerer.com


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