Confusing concepts continue to clear my cerebral clutch

I like to think of myself as reasonably, marginally bright.

You know, clever enough to string together a sentence, sharp enough to follow concise directions.

Unless they are in any way relating to geography. In that sense, I am far below average intelligence. Like, really far.

But as moderately astute as I like to imagine myself, there are just some things about life on earth completely beyond my cerebral clutch, capisce? Stuff I just plain old, don’t get.

For instance:

• Why does less-processed food cost more money?

• Why are there so many brown M&Ms and so few blue?

• Why does Oreo keep making weird flavor combos? Waffles and syrup, watermelon and Swedish Fish, Oreo makers? No. Just no.

• Why are the same people who eat bloody beef often so offended by my innocent little veggie burgers?

• Why do restaurants have diet cola but no clear diet soda?

• Why do we call it “pop” in this region when everyone else calls it “soda,” and why does my sister get so mad at me when I call it soda?

Staying with the food theme:

My friend Susan wants to know why ketchup always splatters all over your NEW blouse while you dine with friends?

My pal Sam wonders why milk and coffee creamer need a double seal, and why that second seal is so hard to grip that you inevitably splash yourself with the liquid inside once you finally hacksaw that bugger open?

My sister Gina wonders why round pizzas are delivered in square boxes?


While I’m at it:

• Why is the first tissue in the box (or disinfectant wipe in the container) always so hard to get out?

• Why is aluminum foil so much more expensive than other kitchen wraps? Yes, I get it, metal is more costly than plastic, but it’s not like we’re talking a wall of lead here, people. It’s wafer thin. It’s not even made of tin, anymore! Hmpf.

• Why can they make some medicine into such teeny weeny and easy-to-swallow pills (or even elixir) and yet some meds only come in the form of a horse pill bigger than my thumb?

• Why do the 1980s seem so much cooler as I’m re-living them via the characters of the Netflix series “Stranger Things” than they ACTUALLY were as I was growing up as a dweeb back then? Yes, I said “dweeb.” Look it up, boomers and millennials.

• And why AM I so obsessed with “Stranger Things”? Binge watched this season in two days. Then started the entire trilogy … again.

• Plus, why is the wait between seasons of cable and streaming series so long when broadcast networks have new episodes locked and loaded every fall? More hmpf. #IWant MoreStrangerThings

• How many ways are we going to keep recycling “The Lion King”? Please understand that I love it very much! But, um, haven’t we already seen this in film, animation, stage, etc., form?

• Why will a bird poo on ONLY ME at a lake house party of 35? And why, in that same place, did my Oakley sunglasses slip off my head at the very MOMENT I flushed the toilet? Oh yes, I did.

Did I mention I was impaled by a bathroom wall plaque there, too? Hmm. I’m beginning to think that place has it out for me.

Nah, maybe I’ve just watched “The Haunting of Hill House” too many times. Look, it’s not my fault they haven’t released season two yet! Danged Netflix.

Kimerer is a Tribune Chronicle columnist who’s apparently dumb as a stump. Send simple comments to www.patricia kimerer.com.


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