Don’t spoil ‘End Game’ or I will tell Thor

Remember when you were little and couldn’t wait to open your presents on Christmas morning? Man, I can still see the whole scenario in my mind’s eye.

Getting up before the sun to race into the living room (that’s what we called it back then) with my siblings. I’m not going to name names, but one of them morphed into Sherlock Holmes from about the time the porch lights went off on Halloween right up to the evening of Dec. 24 each year, trying to find Christmas presents early.

This sibling searched under every bed frame, mattress, couch cushion, pillow, blanket and quilt, overturned furniture, dove headfirst into empty shopping bags (looking for receipts?), scoured trash cans (well, visibly — we were reared by a nurse, after all) grasping for clues to the Christmas Day kid loot.

Did I mention that it was THIS sibling who told me — and decades later, MY kid! — about Santa? That latter one still makes me redder than old St. Nick’s suit — and WAY less jolly, BTW. Ahem.

Anyhoo, the other sibling was a bit more refined and would patiently await the appearance of gifts under the tree, only to stealthily unseal a telling corner of each package, then reseal it with Santa being none the wiser. In fact, none of us were! Except for that skeptical first sibling who always seems to know things preemptively. Hmpf.

(Columnist’s Note: I only learned of the OTHER sibling’s KGB behavior a few years ago. Could have been a SEAL, that one. I digress.)

I took no part in any of it. I didn’t want to know. I still don’t.

Yet every year, bless his heart, Kerry will tell me as soon as he’s purchased a birthday gift for me.

“Do you want it now?” he says annually.

“No, thank you,” has been my stock response for all 25 birthdays I’ve shared with him.

“Why?” he ever asks.

Sigh.

“BECAUSE IT’S NOT MY BIRTHDAY!”

I can’t help it. I hate a spoiler.

Which is why I refuse to divulge any facts about the best Marvel movie to hit the box office since, um, the first “Iron Man” film in 2008?

Okay, fine, I’ve been slightly obsessed with Robert Downey Jr. since his “Less than Zero” days. Whatever.

But because “Avengers: End Game” is literally epic, here’s what I can and will tell you:

l RDJ is the highlight of the movie;

l You must see all the “Avengers,” “Iron Man” and “Captain America” films first;

l It’s probably also helpful to see all the “Thor” and “Antman” flicks too, but the other three are crucial;

l You will laugh; you will cry;

l This is, by far, the best offering in of the “Avengers” franchise;

l Three hours never went by so fast in a movie theater;

l RDJ rocks;

l You will laugh; you will cry;

l People will suggest “noncritical” scenes during which you should use the restroom. They are working for Thanos. Don’t believe them. Hit the head immediately before and after the movie. If you need to, run out during the half-hour of preview screenings before the first scene;

l If you don’t like going to the movies because it’s crowded, it’s too expensive, it’s too much hassle, etc., and think you will wait for “End Game,” to come to Netflix, don’t. It’s worth the price of admission and then some;

l DO NOT SPOIL THIS MOVIE or I will have “Thor” zap you, capisce?

P.S. Did I mention RDJ is awesomeness?

Kimerer is a Tribune columnist with Santa and RDJ issues; don’t judge, just read her blog www.patriciakimerer.com.

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