Last one to sleep is a rotten Pedi Egg

You know the best thing about having insomnia? Yeah, OK, there really isn’t a BEST thing about it.

According to the National Sleep Foundation, insomnia or the inability to fall or stay asleep is a bona fide health ailment impacting nearly 40 percent of Americans every year. More women than men seem to be plagued by it. #notsurprised

Well, of the ones who reported it, anyway. The others may well have been napping during the survey. #ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Either way, apparently it can be caused by a myriad of medical conditions such as nasal / sinus allergies, acid reflux or chronic pain.

Oh, and just to add insult to injury, certain medicines for the aforementioned health issues — and a veritable cornucopia full of others, just for good measure — can, themselves, cause or worsen insomnia. Awesome.

The NSF states that unhealthy sleep patterns, environmental factors and even certain foods or beverages are occasionally the culprits behind our being wide-eyed at 3 a.m. on any given Tuesday.

OK, fine, I admit it. I set the alarm WAY too early and go to bed WAY too late. Well, at least I used to. And in my defense, it was for an early morning work commute.

But now my body is so miffed at me for all the years I have been making it wake up at 4:45 a.m. that it simply sits straight up around 4:30 a.m. every single day. Even Sundays, yo. And no matter what time I laid it down the night before.

Might have been midnight. Might have been 10:30 p.m. Might have been during “Jeopardy.”

The point is, my “bedtime” is whatever point in the evening I stop moving long enough the get comfortable on the couch. It really varies by variables. Not the least of which is warmth. As in, add a blanket to the equation and it’s over. Like, faster than the Browns’ post-season, you dig? And so severely that it qualifies as the state of a mini-coma. #inodoffmidsentence

And yes, I further disclose that another potential factor is my favorite nightcap: a cup of coffee. Yes, I said it. Full caffeine. I know, I know. I’m asking to be awoken at two bells. #noavoidingtheeyebagstomorrow

Then again, the NSF also asserts that sometimes the source of insomnia is an underlying sleep disorder. Wait, what? I thought the insomnia was a disorder?

Seems there are others out there like sleep apnea (episodes of stopped breathing) and restless leg syndrome that are keeping lots of us up at night. Yikes.

Finally, the NSF claims that many times, the source of insomnia is psychiatric.

Great. I feel MUCH better now that I know it might be all in my head. Which it sort of is, because I can’t seem to shut it off, capsice?


So, as I was saying, the best thing about having insomnia? The super cool infomercials that you’ll not see during a regular broadcast day.

I am this close to buying a Reheatza pan (it warms up leftovers) and Cindy Crawford’s most recent Meaningful Beauty package (or I could just put cantaloupe juice on my face?). But my fave insomniatic guilty pleasure by far is the Pedi Egg: a device that shaves dead skin from your feet for homemade pedicures.

This is my top pick because it’s so repulsive it keeps me from snacking at 2:45 a.m. #helpineedsleep

Kimerer is a Tribune Chronicle columnist who can’t remember the last time she slept through the night … or where she put her keys … or her cellphone. If you’re looking for something to do late at night, check out her blog at www.patriciakimerer.com