I've never been beamed aboard a UFO. Never once was I kidnapped by extraterrestrials.
All my weird and bizarre experiences were inflicted by good old-fashioned Earthlings. Or so they claim.
How strange are we? Take a peek at the calendar of events for this week alone.
I don't mean Mother's Day today. Mothers need to be celebrated. It's only fair after all the hairs we turned gray and all the worry lines we etched across their faces with our weird and bizarre experiences.
I mean the other special days this week. For example, today is also "Twilight Zone" Day.
This is not to be confused with "Star Wars" Day, which was last Sunday, May 4. You know, ''May the Fourth be with you.'' Yeah, I know. Sorry. Puns are chief among weird and bizarre experiences.
'''Twilight Zone' Day is mysterious, weird, surreal and perhaps a little scary,'' according to HolidayInsights.com. ''Every once in a while, you have a day like this. And, today is designed to be that day.''
Tomorrow, Monday, is highlighted by Limerick Day, celebrating the birthday of writer Edward Lear in 1812. He popularized limericks in his ''Book of Nonsense'' in 1846.
Here's Limerick 11 from the book:
''There was an Old Man with a flute,
''A sarpint ran into his boot;
''But he played day and night,
''Till the sarpint took flight,
''And avoided that man with a flute.''
Go ahead, E.T., try to top that. And use a dictionary.
Tuesday is both Leprechaun Day and Frog Jumping Day. You think little men with oversized heads and big eyes driving flying saucers look out of place. Wait until you witness all those folks jumping like frogs down the sidewalk on Tuesday.
It just gets more weird and bizarre from there. Barely will we be done hopping before it's time for Dance Like a Chicken Day on Wednesday.
The folks at HolidayInsights said their research didn't discover how the holiday started, but does note that the famous ''Chicken Dance'' song actually was written by Swiss accordion player Werner Thomas as "Der Ententanz" - ''The Duck Dance.''
Thursday finally makes some sense with National Chocolate Chip Day. But then we go right into Friday and bump into National Sea Monkey Day. Go get a kit of the frolicking underwater friends - who don't look a thing like the pictures I saw on the backs of comic books while growing up.
And we end the week on Saturday with Pack Rat Day. The folks at HolidayInsights suggest:
''Don't clean your room, basement, garage or any other area today. ... Don't even empty the trash today. You might have accidentally thrown out something useful.''
This is how we spend our time on Earth. These are activities someone thought normal enough to place on calendars, and neither weird nor bizarre.
So I don't mind never being kidnapped by aliens. With what we call normal, I figure a ride in a UFO would be downright boring.
---- Cole's latest novel, "Bash and the Chicken Coop Caper," from B&H Kids, is in bookstores. Write him at firstname.lastname@example.org or on the Burton W. Cole page on Facebook.