It's not my fault. It's just that readers keep foisting puns upon me, and I hate to groan alone. Now they claim to be sending me puns for intellectuals:
''The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.''
That reminds me of a 10th grade math class that drove me nuts. The teacher offered up this explanation of the course:
''An acorn fell to the ground. The acorn figured its life was over. But a few years later, it looked around and exclaimed, 'Geometry!''' (No? Try saying that last word aloud one syllable at a time.)
The theory goes that puns are the lowest form of humor. Not so. Here's one that a classmate told me in second grade. I didn't get it. It took more education before I understood:
''Mahatma Gandhi walked barefoot most of the time, which hardened the bottoms of his feet. He ate very little, left him quite thin. His odd diet produced bad breath. This made him - that's right - a super-callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.''
Several friends - or possibly people seeking revenge - insist they hit me with puns like these to make me smarter.
''Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says, 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'''
''A group of chess enthusiasts stand around a hotel lobby talking up their recent tournament victories. The hotel manager told them to move along. He couldn't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.''
''In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.''
I learned this one in college: An amphibian hopped into a bank to borrow money.
For collateral, he offered Patricia Wax, the service rep, a porcelain curio. She checked with the branch manager to see if the curio was acceptable. The manager replied - say it with me now - ''It's a knickknack, Patty Wax, give the frog a loan.''
That's my higher education at work, folks.
According to Wikipedia, that fount of all knowledge written by anyone with access to a computer, the pun is also known as paronomasia, wordplay that suggests two or more meanings:
''If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine.''
''I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.''
''A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'''
Momma warned us against playing with our food. She should have worried about us playing with words.
''I went to a seafood disco last week. I pulled a mussel.''
''Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.''
''Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.''
Feeling smarter yet?
''Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.''
''I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.''
''Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.''
And one more groan for the road:
''No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.''
Pun-ish Cole at firstname.lastname@example.org, or on the Burton W. Cole page on Facebook.