You know the best thing about getting the flu right before the holidays? Yeah, me neither.
Maybe it's all the time you can spend just lounging around, doing nothing. Well, nothing except running back and forth to the bathroom, the medicine cabinet and the fridge for those ever-yummy drinks of ginger ale and vitamin water to help you remain hydrated.
Maybe it's the relief of not having to don makeup or a dress and hose. Instead, you just lie there in your old sweats and 14 sweaters in hopes of beating back those rotten chills.
Maybe it's the high blood pressure that ensues from not having enough energy to respond to your email or work on the two dozen projects that are inching closer and closer to their due dates - or even to simply address the labels on your Christmas card pile? Indeed, the elevated BP might explain why you keep getting knocked back down onto the sofa when you try to stand up to unzip your briefcase.
Do you know what it's like for a self-proclaimed workaholic to be forced to slow down and ride the couch for a few days? No good, people. Please see my recent column on my inability to unplug / unwind as Exhibit A. Don't even get me started on the frustration of not being able to run outside on a rare 60-degree day in December. Dang it!
Let's see ... what else is kickin' about being laid up with the flu? Well, there are all those cool hallucinations you have about 1980s nighttime soap star William Devane looking exactly like he did 30 years ago and hawking for Rosland Capital, urging people to invest in gold coins in advance of a certain Armageddon in the offing. Or, ooh, the weird dream / illusion in which the makers of Botox are trying to get people with migraines to shoot themselves full of the poison for headache relief. Or that one where Korea is on my bucket list as a destination. No offense to Korea, but I haven't even seen the Grand Canyon yet, just sayin'.
Either way, there's no doubt that flu TV watching leads to some pretty odd viewing, to be sure.
For instance, did you realize that Luke, Robert, Anna, Duke and Felicia are all back on "General Hospital"? Man, it really is the 1980s all over again. Well, except Luke doesn't have the cool 'fro anymore and he's clearly not aging as well as William Devane a.k.a. Greg Sumner on "Knots Landing."
And speaking of odd TV, who knew that NFL great Michael Strahan is the new Regis on Live! Or that he's about 1,000 times funnier than Kelly Ripa? Or that you can buy an AeroKnife for only $10? Hey, it cuts radishes so thin, you can actually read a newspaper through the slices, so don't scoff. If you act now, you get a second one free.
And it's not just all television-viewing and trying to quell the gurgling of your tuckered out tummy; it's the super fun task of trying to keep your germs to yourself.
Clearly, there's no way you want anyone else in your household coming down with this undignified bug, not to mention the guilt with which you'll be riddled if heaven forbid, you make your child or husband sick. So, of course, you use all the energy you can muster to douse yourself with hand sanitizer and blast Lysol onto everything you've touched, breathed on or even looked at, just to be safe.
Actually, one of the best things about being so sick is that your faithful pup won't leave your side, not even for a second. She'll just sit at your feet, giving you longing looks of adoration and silently wishing you back to health.
But, the very best thing about having the flu around the holidays is the appreciation it gives you for not having the flu around the holidays.
Oh, yes, and please remind me not to waste the time, money or weeklong sore arm by getting that flu shot next year, OK?
Stay healthy, all!
Kimerer is Tribune Chronicle columnist and hater of the flu at any time of year. Contact her from a safe distance away at firstname.lastname@example.org.