Oh, the weather outside is - well, let's see. I don't know ... neurotic?
I mean, if it was a person, it would be undergoing intensive therapy sessions right about now. Three inches of snow to nearly 60 degrees Fahrenheit in what, 48 hours? I'm no meteorologist but, it appears we've got some type of climate conundrum on our hands. Seriously, a winter blast like that and then, in a blink, back to spring-like conditions - dude, something is clearly amiss.
And, speaking of that little icy little snapshot of what's to come for the next, um, well, I guess about 14 months straight here in the greater Warren region, let's ponder that for just a moment.
First and foremost, if one more person felt compelled to upload, text, pin, publish, post, tack, hang, flare, skywrite, smoke signal or in some other communicative manner express how beautiful the first snowfall of the season was last week, I may have had to smack myself about the face repeatedly.
My sister, a fellow cold-weather hater, told me that if anyone else in her life commented on the glory of the first snowfall of the year she might punch him or her in the face. We may have a few anger issues in my family. Either way.
"It's just so gorgeous, the blanket of white on the trees. Isn't is breathtaking, Patty?" was all I heard midweek last week.
Yep, yep, it sure is. But then again, so is the coral reef at the bottom of the ocean, and I don't really want to live there, either. Capisci?
Look, people, I'm just not a snow person, OK? It's like trying to force a cat on a dog-lover or shoving vanilla ice cream down the throat of a chocoholic. It's just never going to end well, you feel me?
I'm never going to longingly look at frozen telephone wire the way I covet sun-kissed beaches. I'm never going to be happy about having to put on 85 layers of clothes simply to go for a run around the neighborhood. I am not ever going to be OK with losing all feeling in my fingers within the 8.4 seconds it takes to grab the mail out of the mailbox.
In fact, when my sister-in-law sent me a postcard-worthy photo of the back porch vista she called "Sunset in Sarasota" last week, I bawled like a hungry, wet infant in a pitch-black room at midnight which is incidentally what twilight looks like in northeastern Ohio this time of year, but I digress.
Yes, I wept not so much because Kim's picture was so stunning (which it was!) but more because it's hurtful when you find out someone you love hates you like poison.
I sent her back a picture of the inside of my car trunk with the heading "The Dead of Dusk: Ohio in November."
And another thing is it me or did everyone suddenly and simultaneously forget how to drive on ice last week? People, people, people, it's the same rotten winter weather we've had for the last 5,000 years in the Valley - why was everyone so shocked and stumped as to what to do?
Calm down, for heaven's sake. Leave the house 15 minutes early and just chill - Mother Nature did and you should, too!
Lastly, and this is a biggie: snowfall does not equal Christmas time.
Once again, there is that sweet little holiday between Halloween and Christmas called "Thanksgiving." Stop dissing Thanksgiving, yo! It's not even the 20th of November yet - put your Nutcrackers and copies of "A Christmas Carol" back in storage for 10 more days.
Oh, OK fine, I played one Charlie Brown Christmas song last week - but that was just because I needed a little pick-me-up from all the depressing winter speak.
Now, get out there and enjoy these last glorious bits of decent weather. They'll be gone faster than a mojito on an episode of the "Real Housewives"
Happy bracing for winter, all!
Kimerer is a Tribune Chronicle columnist and despiser of cold and snow. Contact her with warm, sunny thoughts and coupons for tanning sessions at firstname.lastname@example.org.