So last night, I finally downloaded Instagram. Apparently my friend took a photo of me and was all a-tizzy when there was no Instagram profile of me to tag it with.
"You don't have Instagram? You must download it this minute!" OK, OK, I have a new phone now; my old phone lacked the software update to download such fancy apps.
And I like photos, and friends, and photos of my friends.
I have no aversions to sepia-toned images, or hazy, pastel-tinted filters that make everything look like bad '70s album covers.
So what's stopping me?
Well, a few things. Before you go there, no it's not because I'm too cool to use an app that everyone uses. I'm not even cool enough for Candy Crush.
It's probably because I suffer from digital undertasking. Unlike the multi form of this condition, under-tasking means that I am wholly unable to juggle several digital entities, and instead prefer to stick to a coveted few.
For example, I have a Facebook. Thusly, this negates the need for me to have a Tumblr, which would probably only be photos and links that I post to Facebook.
My Twitter is also made moot for the most part, since most of my posts are upwards of 140 characters and contain unfeedworthy items. I try to doublepost when I?remember, but by and large my Twitter is a land of wind and ghosts.
Linked In is necessary because it is a bastion of professionalism in a world of mustache fingers.
But Pinterest? Maybe when I'm in a full-body cast for a year and can actually explore that kingdom of hopelessly adorable ideas, let alone actually make any of the stuff on there.
I have Pandora, but only used it once. As far as Pandora knows, my favorite band is some band called Surfer Blood I only looked up because I had to know whether they were a post-surf rock band or some kind of California death metal group (they were neither).
I just seem to can't fit all of the handheld miracles of timewasting into my day. I wish I could; I know there are podcasts of aging, bitter comedians yammering about aging and bitterness waiting for me that could possibly change my life.
I know that becoming a Words With Friends master would enhance my ... what's a good word for "knows lots of words?"
But procrastination, work and the dazzling, sunny distraction of actual real life around me draw me away from the app world.
Some apps enhance real life, yes. This is why I gave Instagram a go. People, pictures, memories - I can justify a gig of space for that.
So, Instagram, I'm going to try and do you justice, so that you're not reduced to a dusty old app in the dark corner of my phone screen, next to Pac Man and Draw Anything.
Someday, my grandchildren will gather 'round to look at hundreds of filtered photos of me and my friends, various decrepit Youngstown landmarks and plates of food, and wonder how I still had time to save the world from time-traveling robots. I'm sure by then, there will be an app for that.