Well, well, well. Here we are again, friends. Wednesday is the big day. The day I wait all yearlong to arrive so that it can quickly go away.
Yep, it's almost Halloween.
I know. I'm like a broken record. Every year I give you a litany of the reasons why I dislike this "holiday." Seriously. Do not get me started on why Oct. 31 is not, in any way, a holiday. Period.
Look - don't get me wrong; some of it is terrific. For instance, I totally love handing out free candy to wee ones and seeing their faces light up as they watch the M&M's plop into their pillow-case treat bags. I must've inherited this affection for filling candy buckets from my mom. She absolutely adores this aspect of Halloween. We both, however, unequivocally abhor the thought that anyone could even consider maliciously tampering with candy with the intent of causing children harm ... unimaginable. And reason No. 5,472 for my underlying disdain of Halloween.
However, I do appreciate creative and unique jack-o-lantern sculptures and marvel at the super moms who hand-stitch homemade costumes. I even love to sing along with Drac to the "Monster Mash" - honest!
And, as proof that I don't hate the day entirely, I cite the fact that both my big sister Gina and I agree on the single greatest thing about Halloween: kiddy parades.
"I always loved taking my own children costume shopping as they prepared for their school's Halloween party and parade," she reminisced. Ditto - for her kids (who are kinda like mine) and for my own Kyle, natch. Sad that they're too old for that now.
But speaking of too old, another Halloween irritant is the gaggle of near-adults coming around door-to-door for free candy each Halloween evening. I swear last year my prom date from 1986 showed up on my doorstep in his outdated tux as a costume - and hoping to score some sweetness. Reign your thoughts in, people, I'm talking chocolate.
Which seems to be the main Halloween crowd-pleaser for all age groups, incidentally. My sister-in-law Kim looks forward to Halloween only for the love of chocolate (she prefers dark) while my pal Lynne Fiest of Southington sees no other purpose for Oct. 31 than indulging in candy.
"Where I live, we never got very many trick-or-treaters but I always bought the 100 bag candy bars - only the ones that I liked to eat!" she said.
OK, OK. So I'm making more of a case for actually liking Halloween.
I guess what really confounds me the most about Halloween is the evil / fear factor. Why on earth do people enjoy being frightened by mock killers, witches and demons galore?
As far as I'm concerned, the only people who should be permitted to summon a scared reaction from other humans are teenage boys who want their girlfriends to squeeze their hands tightly in a darkened movie theater. Ahem, hand-holding only, gentlemen. Maybe a hug, but that's where it ends. I digress.
But for the remainder of us, what is up with the wanting to hang out in creepy make-believe haunted houses or immersing yourself in a slash-'em-up movie so frightening that it keeps you up until Christmas Eve?
For the record, I don't want Jason Voorhees chasing me through the attic with a machete. And call me crazy but Freddie Krueger isn't welcome to tuck me in at night. Blech!
Here's my bottom line: kiddies and cuteness = good. Bloody faux killers and grown-ups scamming free candy = bad.
Here's hoping your Wednesday's filled only with Snickers and Reese's Cups. The full-size kind!
Kimerer is a Tribune Chronicle columnist and Halloween hater. Click on this story at tribtoday.com or email firstname.lastname@example.org.