Zowie! It's the ''Summer of Superheroes'' and this looks like a job for my secret identity as a screenwriter.
Lately, filmmakers have biff! bam! powed! the theaters with superhero origins movies. But Superman debuted in the comic books in 1938, The Batman in 1939 and Captain America in 1941. They all looked to be in their 20s or 30s back then. You do the supermath. It's way past clobberin' time.
So here's an excerpt from my first script, ''The Geriatric League: The Battle for Wii Fit.''
The author as Grandpa Wolverine.
The camera zooms in on a stately manor on the outskirts of Gotham City, focusing on a sign above the massive doors: ''Wayne Foundation Assisted Living Center for Senior Superheroes and Reformed Super Villains.''
The scene shifts inside onto a spacious commons where a group of seniors in colorful but saggy clothing sit in various chairs, scooters and rockers.
At a card table, a bald guy in a green mask smacks the gloved hand of a skinny codger wearing a red hoodie jumpsuit.
''Flash, I see you trying to switch cards,'' the masked man says.
''Impossible, Green Lantern. I move at the speed of light.''
''Forty years ago, maybe. Now you're the speed of light molasses.''
A red-caped geezer throws his cards across the table. ''C'mon, Wonder Woman, let's fly your invisible jet to the casino.''
A winsome granny wrapped in a shawl shakes her crowned head. ''You were banned for trying to use your X-ray vision on our last bus trip.''
''Yeah, but my eyes aren't what they used to be. I mistook the clubs for spades. Lost my whole month's pension from the Daily Planet. Say, Aquaman, can you spot me a few clams?''
A wobbly figure hunched over an aquarium pulls his head out of the water and splutters, ''That joke stopped being funny after the first million times. Fly to the casino yourself, you old coot.''
Superman slips on his Clark Kent trifocals. ''My eyes. I'm restricted to no flying after dark.''
A nurse wringing her hands rushes into the room, skidding to a halt in front of a paunchy grandpa sporting blue, pointy ears. ''Batman! The Joker mixed up his dentures and his wind-up chattering teeth again. The old fool's eyes are going to shake out.''
The Batman sighs and rocks into action. On the seventh or eighth rock, he works up enough momentum to teeter out of his bat-chair into a bat-walker. ''I'm on my way.''
He pauses in front of an antiquated man using a red, white and blue shield as a lap warmer. ''Captain America, will you fetch Catwoman her saucer of warm milk? You know how cranky she gets if she misses her nap.''
Captain America slowly looks up. ''Did I ever tell you about the time me and Bucky...''
''Yes!'' the geriatric heroes warble.
''See, me and Bucky - this was back during the war - and me and Bucky were trapped in a bunker...''
Groans waft across the room. A spindly gentleman in the far corner suddenly turns green, coughs and reaches for a cane. ''Bats, wait. Hulk go, too. Hulk sneeze if Hulk listen to Cap again.''
The doddering duo hobble down the hallway as the scene fades.
Zowie! That's just for openers. Wait until the motorized scooter chase at the bingo hall! Thrilling stuff.
I'll take my superscreenwriter's check now.
---- Conk Cole at firstname.lastname@example.org or at the Burton W. Cole page on Facebook.