This just in from the world of science: Coffee drinkers live longer. Sugar decays the brain.
Therefore, coffee with sugar creates stupid people who live on to annoy us forever.
Once, just once, why can't scientific researchers trundle out evidence that coffee cakes make us handsome billionaires? Or that chocolate chip cookies lead to iron strength and infallible wisdom?
I'd settle for science that shows Snickers bars promote healthy hair.
Instead, science prefers to pummel a few of our favorite things as either fattening, dangerous or just plain icky.
Until now. After years of dire warnings, coffee drinkers finally were told they were doing something right. The life-lengthening results of the 13-year java jive study conducted by the National Institutes of Health and AARP was published Thursday in the New England Journal of Medicine. The conclusion: Whether regular or decaf, each cup of coffee a day increases the odds of living longer.
On the other hand, the coffee klatch contained more smokers, heavier drinkers, bigger red meat eaters and more people whose GPS couldn't find the gym than non-coffee-drinkers. And coffee still can raise blood pressure and bad cholesterol, according to the study.
Well doesn't that just stir some cream in your cuppa? If you can keep from keeling over from bad habits, you'll be fine for a good, long time.
To really mess it up, stir in a bit of sugar.
A study published Tuesday in the Journal of Physiology concludes that too much sugar saps brainpower.
Researchers, who apparently live in a world much like kindergarten, spent five days training a pack of rats to navigate a complicated maze, such as filing medical claims or renewing their driver's licenses.
Then they fed them sugar water for six weeks before turning the buggers loose for another go at it. Rats who received brain boosters did well, but the rats thinking on sugar water alone bumped into dead ends.
What is not explained is why researchers keep representing us with rats. Make it a real rat race. Slip the critters inside tiny NASCAR vehicles and smooth the maze to left turns only. At least ol' Rat Fink would be wearing helmet when he hits the wall.
A co-worker showed me another study, printed on the May 14 page of her 2012 ''The Office'' sticky note calendar. An 11-year study of office workers in London concluded that ''rates of angina, nonfatal heart attacks, and death from heart-related conditions was 60 percent higher in people who worked at least three hours beyond 'the normal seven-hour day.'''
First of all, there's nothing normal about a seven-hour work day, at least not according to my boss. Secondly, this is conclusive proof that overtime is fatal.
And third, now we know why our employers installed coffee machines but ''forgot'' the sugar. It helps last through the rigors of overtime without turning into a rat in a race car.
----- Help Cole find studies about the benefits of chocolate chip cookies at firstname.lastname@example.org or on the Burton W. Cole page on Facebook.