Great swoons of teenybopdom, boy bands are back. Well, bi-bi-bifocals, why should they have all the fun? I say it's time for us geezers to get in on the act. Right on! Knee out! Or whatever the current catchphrase is.
(The hip phrase used to be, "Get down!" Not now. Can't get back up.)
A decade ago when my daughter was 14 or so, the whippersnapperish likes of 'N Sync, the Backstreet Boys and 98 Degrees pranced on stages. When I was 14, the boy bands were the Jackson Five and the Osmond Brothers. In between we've been bubble-gummed by such groups as New Edition, New Kids on the Block, Hanson and, more recently, the Jonas Brothers.
Now a new batch of fresh faces is frolicking through the charts, led by a British fab five named One Direction. Also, there's The Wanted, Big Time Rush and Mindless Behavior.
None of the boy bands strayed too far from the formula - they were young, cute and featured lead singers with high-soaring voices that hadn't quite made it through the change of life yet. And lots of screaming girls.
These kids make millions to spend on skateboards, sunglasses and hair gel. Why? My gang is much closer to retirement age, hip replacements and Social Security checks that may or may not exist. We'd spend the cash with the wisdom that comes with age. Backed by the power of our senior discounts.
(Myself, I'm thinking a motorhome with well-padded captain's chairs, air and a large-screen TV. And a drill press. A home repair project that required a drill press has yet to arise, but I could practice until one does.)
So c'mon, it's not like we have a lot of time to waste. Let's launch the world's first boy geezer band. Besides the Rolling Stones, I mean.
Maybe we can't pivot, wiggle and swerve with nearly the precision of those boy bands. But we have an advantage they don't - built-in rhythm sections. Our whole bodies are honed to beat box perfection with cracks, snaps, pops, creaks, groans and yowls the boy bands cannot hope to attain for at least another 30 years.
I have the back crackles covered, plus I can do backing groans.
I'm auditioning for someone on lead moans and groans; a guy on knee creaks and ankle clicks; somebody on shoulder snaps and hip pops (not hip-HOP; that's for boy bands); and finally, our featured nose whistler, hearing aid hummer and dislocations screamer.
If any of you can sing bass, baritone or tenor as well, that would be a bonus as it adds the potential of harmony to our rhythm section.
Our song set probably will stick to the boy geezer band standards - ''(My Back Went Out) I Want My Back Back,'' ''Hangin' Tough with Senior Coffee,'' ''Tearin' Up My Hamstrings,'' ''I Do Cherish You, AARP Card,'' ''Mmm-Bop, Lunch Buffet,'' and "S.O.S. No, Seriously."
And once we shimmy and shake into our leather and spandex (sort of like what boy geezer band KISS will wear on tour this summer), we pretty much guarantee there will be screaming girls.
So who's with me? Tell the boys bye-bye-bye. It's time to go geezer.
----- Submit your audition tape to firstname.lastname@example.org, or find the geezer on the Burton W. Cole fan page on Facebook.