Of all the genders of the human species, only one is rated most likely to develop "mild cognitive impairment'' as it ages.
Oh, wipe those smug looks off your faces, ladies.
Yes, according to research released last week in the medical journal "Neurology,'' men are up to 40 times more likely than women to show slippage in memory, reasoning skills and visual perception over time.
Previous studies claim guys also face more slippage in hearing. So we can't hear half of it and forget the part we did, which transforms us into grumpy old men.
Yeah, right. Look, we all know that people mumble more than they used to, type is smaller and some vicious joker keeps sneaking into our houses to add 15 or 20 steps to the stairs while we're napping. Of course we're grumpy. It's irritating.
Anyway, for this new study, lead researcher Rosebud Roberts of the Mayo Clinic said that she and colleagues followed 1,450 from Olmsted County, Minn., ages 70 to 89. After 3 1/2 years, 296 of them - mostly men - were mildly impaired.
C'mon, Minnesota? Of course memories in Minnesota are going to slow down. So much snow piles up in Minnesota each winter that guys' brains freeze from shoveling so often. See here, doing a test in Minnesota is like ...
(Sorry. Gotta stop. My editor claims cantankerousisms seeped through again. At least I think that's what she said. She was mumbling.)
Fine, let's go back to the study. It says that married men run less risk of memory loss than single guys.
Well, duh. We don't need to remember. We're married, for crying out loud! We live with personal recording units constantly reminding us of things no matter how desperately we try to forget.
Married guys have no hope of ...
(Sorry. She mumbled at me again. Get back on point, she says. I will as soon as I remember what it was. Oh, that's right, the study.)
This memory slippage thing isn't just for oldsters. I know some people who claim that sometimes they forget to eat. You know the kind - skinny, obnoxious, sneering at your triple cheeseburger. They relish forgetting to eat, licking their lips in self-satisfaction, like a person making sure none of the chocolate frosting escaped.
Forget to eat. Yeah, right! I've forgotten to take out the trash or go to work, but never have I forgotten to eat. Not dessert, anyway.
Yes, dear, I did overlook the beets and cranberries on my plate, but trust me, I didn't forget. Why do you put that stuff there in the first place ...
(Nuts. She's mumbling at me again. Gotta go.)
Anyway, Roberts says not to get uptight about the occasional ''senior moment.'' We all have momentary lapses.
See, it's perfectly normal to once in awhile forget a name, a phone number or why we're standing in the living room in our underwear holding a rake and a hammer. I told whatshername that ... um, oh yeah, Terry, my wife ... but she appeared not to believe me.
Women get so smug about their superior powers, but I've seen her search for the car keys for 20 minutes while holding said keys in her hand. Ha! Woulda told her, too, but I was too busy trying to remember where I left the car.
Anyway, forget the study and leave us geezers alone. We could remember. We just don't want to. So there.
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