On the negative second day of Christmas my true love gave to me confirmation that I'm [krey-zee ]. That's the phonetic version of the word crazy, BTW.
Because, at 14 days out, people, my sanity is dangling by only the thinnest thread - and it's fraying at an alarmingly rapid pace.
It all started on or about the negative fifth day of Christmas when I decided that ordering Christmas cards from one of the predetermined designs available at the Walgreen's photo shop website was the way to go.
So, my wireless mouse and I set off with only the best-laid plans of creating a warm / wacky card with only two requirements: silly family photos and the words "Merry Christmas."
And in what can only be described as a debacle of epic proportions, I attempted for three hours to order cards to be delivered at one of any of the Walgreen's locations in: Boardman (where I was waited on by phone by a true Ebenezer), Warren (where they were unable to fulfill my request but treated me in the kindest spirit of St. Nicholas himself) or Alliance (which was the location that was finally able to help me and where the service was somewhere between Scrooge and saintly).
Too bad that, in the interim, I'd sent poor Kerry on a scavenger hunt for our 2011 Christmas card - all over the wrong Ohio county.
Merry Hmpf No. 1.
Then there was the early Christmas present Kerry and I got for each other - an elliptical, a low-impact exercise machine destined to keep the holiday pounds off our frames. Unfortunately, it won't be this holiday season since "some assembly required" is actually code for "you'll be lucky to put this sucker together by Easter."
Happy Hmpf No. 2.
Did I mention the birthday / holiday bash we held early in the month? That little soiree was fraught with: misaligned food service tins (they kept falling off their chafing frames and into the ); stubborn sterno gel containers (we couldn't douse them with anything less than an industrial-grade fire extinguisher); a late arriving pizza (the younger-than-12 set was beginning to eat tinsel by the time it was delivered); and melting ice cream cake ("Think of it as vanilla chocolate soup - a delicacy in the Orient!" I laughed nervously).
Oh, and as soon as the last of the guests left, I realized I'd forgotten to put out the good Christmas hand towels.
Most Wonderful Hmpf No. 3.
Lest we forget the Rice Krispie Treat request that came from my newly 12-year-old son at 10:30 p.m. on Tuesday for the school party on Wednesday that he swore was not occurring until the following week when I'd inquired about it earlier in the day. After dozing off and bolting awake at 1 a.m. to whip the batch together, I was only slightly irritated when I noticed it still sitting on the kitchen counter the very next evening.
"Oh, those? Yeah, I accidentally forgot 'em. No big deal. We didn't really need 'em, anyway," said a nonchalant tween to his eye-twitching mother the following night.
Heaving holiday sigh.
Have I mentioned I haven't started shopping for gifts yet?
And to all a Good Hmpf No. 4 through No. 77 ...
Kimerer is a Tribune Chronicle columnist. Contact her calmly, slowly and without any sudden movements at email@example.com.