Today's rant? "The Top 10 Things I Hate about the Time Change." As in, the one associated with Eastern Standard Time versus Daylight Savings Time.
First an apology. Have you happened to noticed how many things I "hate" lately? Halloween, camping, autumn OK, I admit it. I've been a bit of a bratty curmudgeon lately, and I'm sorry. Give me this one more week of bitter and I promise to return to Pollyanna-dom on the 20th.
Anyway, the thing is, I really do believe that I've narrowed down the source of all my angst and it is (drum roll please) I'm afraid of the dark.
Not in the traditional, "yikes, what's that going bump in the night?" kind of way. No, no - it's the dark itself that's making me such a Crabby Patty. As in the dark caused by the EST-induced falling behind of an hour's worth of time each autumn.
Waking up, driving to and from work, running, chauffeuring Kyle to practice, dashing out for errands - these are all tasks that God intended to occur while the sun shines, people. But thanks to EST, I'm doing them under the deep cover of nightfall. Blech.
Why are we saving all this light, anyway? Why can't we spend it? Are we afraid it's all going to go the same rotten route as the global economy or something?
Hmpf and blech.
Sure, the Californians and Floridians don't give a rat's patooty about time change; they get sun, sun, sun 'til their daddy takes their T-bird away. But what about those of us in northeast Ohio who only get about 8.5 hours of sunshine in the average week? How come you want to begrudge us Vitamin D, anyway?
Oops. Sorry, again, that's just my Seasonal Affective Disorder kicking in. I've said it before and I'll say it again, it's no coincide the acronym for that affliction is SAD. It was clearly one smart cookie who thought up the name of that malady - unlike the dolt who invented time change practices. I hate that guy.
And here's why: I spent the entire hour we "gained" trying to figure out how to change my car clock. BTW, it's still wrong.
Speaking of clocks, now none in the house reads the same. Some are fast and some are slow, by both hours and minutes, thanks to EST and my husband, who does not understand my need to keep my clocks fast. Don't try to understand it, dude, just don't kink up my system.
Moving on, I polled some of my nearest and dearest on this subject for two reasons. I had to clarify that none of my friends actually likes EST. That's a deal breaker. Listen, I hated telling my dear, sweet great Aunt Loretta she's out of my will over her favor for EST but I have to draw the line somewhere, folks.
Plus, I needed to know if I'm in the minority on this, but the votes are in and the result is a collective, resounding "We hate EST."
Said my sister Gina: "The days seem too short. And, I always forget to change the clocks the night before then end up arriving at church an hour too soon the next morning."
As for my buddy Jessica Bloss of Beloit, it's the impact on her sleep pattern and that of her 3-year-old son that irks her.
"I end up with that out-of-sorts feeling for a good two weeks!"
My dear friend and Howland native Joanna Dascenzo concurred. "By 7:30 p.m. I think it's midnight and I need to get my jammies on."
For my sweet little pal Laura Brownlee of East Canton, her stomach gets as confused as her internal alarm clock. "My belly wants me to eat at 10 a.m., 11 a.m., and noon," while my sister-in-law Kim fears the onset of the white stuff. "The time change means that the s-word is coming!"
My lifelong pal Michelle Coppola of Lowellville laments having to walk outdoors in the dark while another good friend Lynne Fiest of Southington hates the whole concept. "It's stupid. Dark, dark, dark = stinks, stinks, stinks!"
But the most eloquent submission came from my own mother, who said: "It's unnatural and I don't know of any other country in the world that does this. It's not nice to fool Mother Nature."
The woman is brilliant.
Oh, well. Only 128 days until we spring forward!
Kimerer is a Tribune Chronicle columnist. Contact her with thoughts of brightness at firstname.lastname@example.org.