Drat! To get to the picnic on time, you have to be out the door in 20 minutes, and you've yet to start a covered dish. If Strange Cousin Herbert attacks the food line first, all the deviled eggs will be gone.
This picnic is doomed.
Wrong. Your ol' Uncle Burtie remembers how important summer picnics, family reunions and covered-dish socials are to a single guy's survival (or a busy family's, for that matter).
Everyone's caught on to your trick of whipping into the 7-Eleven for a tub of potato salad that, at 65 mph, you dump into a dish you brought from home moments before arriving. You need something real to take - and fast.
Now you never have to arrive late and empty-handed again. Here's how:
Uncle Burtie's Rapid Green Bean Casserole and Dress for Success
(with Some Help from Del Monte Foods)
1 can condensed cream of mushroom soup
3/4 cup milk
1 bottle cool breeze body wash
1 bottle shampoo (scent optional)
1/8 tsp. pepper
1 pair each fresh briefs, socks (unless wearing flip-flops), T-shirt, jeans or bermudas, and sneakers (or flip-flops)
2 cans French-style green beans, drained
1 jumbo can cheddar cheese-flavored French fried onions
1 tube deodorant (gel or stick)
1 splash aftershave
1 leftover food item from fridge wrapped in foil
Preheat oven to 400 degrees
Throw clothing items on bed
1. Combine soup, milk and pepper in 8x8-inch baking dish; mix well.
2. Stir in beans and almost half the onions. Snack on rest of half.
3. Place in oven; set timer for 10 minutes.
4. Jump in shower. Lather with body wash and shampoo hair. Rinse. When oven timer beeps, you are done.
5. Dash to kitchen. Remove baking dish from oven, being careful not to slop casserole (you came straight from shower and forgot to wrap self in protection of towel). NOTE: It is best not to mention at picnic that nudity was involved in cooking.
6. Stir. Sprinkle most of remaining of onions; shove rest in mouth.
7. Place dish back in oven; set timer for 5 minutes.
8. Hot-foot it to bedroom and jump into clothing. Apply deodorant and aftershave as needed. Comb hair if time permits. When oven timer beeps, you are done. NOTE: There is no time for actual shaving.
9. Sprint to kitchen; remove dish; turn off oven.
10. Unwrap foil from leftover food item and cover dish with foil (stained side down). Give leftover food item to dog (yours or neighbor's). NOTE: Used foil adds secret flavor to dish. It is best not to reveal secret at picnic.
11. Get yourself to picnic, pronto!
There, wasn't that easy? And fast, too. Unless, of course, you spilled hot casserole while still, uh, "wearing" your shower clothes. In this case, you probably will want to go the emergency room and later get some Twinkies out of the vending machine.
---- For more recipes (for nonsense), find the Burton W. Cole fan page on Facebook or write firstname.lastname@example.org.