I may weigh in on the, uh, "sturdy" side of bodily heft and form, but at least my mind remains a sleek machine of streamlined brilliance.
Or so I thought. Apparently, my thoughts are just thin.
The latest of the ever-fattening file of obesity studies says it's not enough that being overweight bundles us big guys off into higher risk categories for things such as diabetes, high blood pressure, never getting called to appear on "America's Next Top Model" and other tragedies.
It turns out that obesity also hampers memory and learning.
Essentially, when you mess up something and your best friend in the whole world points this out by calling you "fathead," he's right. It's not just your middle that's getting thickened.
The research ... let me see, I had it right here somewhere... now where did I put that? Oh, here it is!
The research on the effects of fat on memory and gray matter was conducted by Kent State University.
KSU is the institution that 30 years ago undertook the task of educating me. I was skinny back then. Before long, they issued me a document that said I learned and remembered all the academics I needed to go out into the world and commit journalism.
Now the same institution is declaring me, how shall we say, a bit too chunky in the cognitive synapses.
Lead researcher John Gunstad, a psychologist at KSU who studies how diseases affect thinking abilities, told ScienceNews this month that they ran 150 obese volunteers through the cerebral ringer and they performed on the low end of the normal scale.
Part of the group lost a gob of weight over the next three months and they all went in for testing again. Suddenly, the portion who lightened up scored higher while the chubbies remained, well, fatheads.
I suppose this explains a lot, though it's hard for a guy of my girth to know exactly what. It's hard to grasp concepts while grasping cupcakes.
What I do know is that another study that came out in January - being a bit overweight in my thinking skills, I just found it now - says that fat butts are healthy!
Well, healthier than fat guts.
Research conducted at the University of Oxford in England suggests that hip and thigh fat could actually reduce the risk of diabetes and heart disease.
Finally, fat that's doing some good. I say if that fat's going to congregate about my person anyway, it might as well carry its load while I'm carrying the load it left me.
Published in the International Journal of Obesity, the study says tummy fat is more metabolically active than lower body fat. Active means it's breaking down and letting the bad stuff run amok.
Meanwhile, the bulk in your butt traps fatty acids and won't let them go. They just stay there, all stored up as cushioning for your sitting comfort.
The moral of the story, I suppose, is the next time someone calls you fathead, you can slug 'em, if you can remember how.
But if someone remarks about your "thunder thighs," just say, ''thank you.'' And then you can sit on 'em.
----- This fathead just placed fourth in the nation in the bi-monthly ''America's Funniest Humor'' writing competition. Find his entries on the Burton W. Cole fan page on Facebook.