Hi. I'm Patty Kimerer and I approve this column.
Why wouldn't I? They are, after all, my exact sentiments. And guess what's on my mind this Sunday? Negative campaign ads.
Here's the message I'd like to send to all candidates, local, regional, state-wide and national: If you have made it your mission to rip apart your opponent through some nasty print, radio or TV ad campaign, I am not voting for you.
I mean it. I've had it.
Look, I get it. You have to go for the big impact messaging as a politician and part of the game is pointing out your foe's flaws. That's understandable ... to a point.
But bringing up someone's college or high school blunders? Too far.
You know what I'm talking about. Does this sound familiar?
The television screen fades up from black. The picture of the candidate opposing the commercial's sponsor slowly materializes as a timeline starts to crawl across his face from left to right and a sinister voice says:
"Joe Schmoe. His history of corruption started in kindergarten when he stole a Tootsie Pop from Jane Public. Next came middle school and a trip to the principal's office for his part in an illegal flag football team. Onto high school where he served in-school suspension for engaging in 'Senior Skip Day' and finally, the most shocking of all: a 'D' in college badminton. Is that really who you want representing you, America? Joe Schmoe, wrong for all the right reasons. This ad paid for by Mark Meanie."
Listen, I'm not here to advocate on behalf of a certain candidate or party. It's up to each of us to become informed voters and select the candidate or issue we feel is the right, just and best option.
I'm not going to lie. I think communities are only as strong as their school systems and leaders are only as valuable as their willingness to advocate for the less fortunate / underprivileged and to instill and enact standards of safety, security, morality, humanity and societal betterment overall.
But, here's my point: I am sick of the nastiness, folks. And if you've made it your lot in life to build yourself up by shamelessly and underhandedly ripping someone else down, you've lost my vote. For real.
In fact, if I have to, I'll write in the name of a family member or a friend for every position that is being vied for by two or more hotheaded, mean-spirited and / or otherwise vicious ogres.
Mom and Dad, you may just be headed to Congress. I know you'd do a much better job than some of the bozos I see running hate ads as they fight for the job right now.
You know, my girlfriend Joanna Dascenzo, a Howland native, and I have this running joke about elections. We deal with horrific political fallout scenarios by pretending we were long supporters of the most offensive politicians - the ones who have fallen - make that toppled - far from grace after a huge scandal erupts all about them.
A good example is former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich. Once he was ousted as a lying, corrupt and frankly potty-mouthed power monger, Jo and I couldn't help but make a further mockery of the man who'd become such a caricature of his former self.
"I see your boyfriend's in trouble again," she'd crack as I'd retort, "Don't blame me, I only voted for him six times."
But seriously, folks, enough's enough. Let's take a stand and boycott voting for candidates who have participated in campaigns of accusation, attack and animosity.
Here's to those three candidates around the nation who've acted admirably in their campaign ads. Let's wish them luck, since they're going to have their hands pretty full covering all the positions the other bazillion haters lost out on when their loathsome advertising cost them our votes.
Guess this means "Dancing with the Stars" won't be interrupted for election night results after all!
Kimerer is a Tribune Chronicle correspondent. Contact her at firstname.lastname@example.org.