Do you send mail with postage stamps? Can you write in cursive? Has your phone ever been connected to a coiled cord? Do you wear a watch?
Then you're probably not a college freshman.
It's back-to-school time, so the insensitive clods at Beloit College in Wisconsin once again issued their annual Mindset List. It's supposed to help professors avoid outdated cultural references so that impressionable young minds won't mutter, ''Huh?''
What it really does is make the rest of us feel ancient and creaky. Stupid list. My thought was to squint at it and sneer at it, ''Go ahead, make my day.''
Oops, that's right. To the Class of 2014, most of whom were born in 1992, Clint Eastwood is an old, wrinkled director who makes sensitive, namby-pamby movies. Dirty who?
When I was in school, I studied history. Now I am history.
In case you're feeling spry, let me drag you down with more from the Mindset List. To the incoming freshmen:
* E-mail, an ancient technology, is too slow. Text me.
* Fergie is a singer, not a duchess.
* DNA fingerprinting has always been around.
* Korean cars always have been regular sights on U.S. highways.
* Russians and Americans always lived together in space. What do you mean we feared missile strikes from the ... what's a USSR?
* Rock bands always blast the beat at presidential inaugural parties.
C'mon, we can't be that grizzled. Maybe we just need kids with more experience. Let's step back four years and examine the Beloit College Mindset List for the Class of 2010, folks who graduated college in May. Let's see, they:
* Have never heard a cash register actually ring.
* Never hummed along to the national anthem as the television station concluded its broadcast day.
* Aren't aware that Madden was a coach who won a Super Bowl, not just the name of a video game.
* Have always been able to watch reality shows on television, particularly on MTV, which always has existed and pretty much always aired lots of programming besides music videos - whatever they are.
Um, maybe we need to go back 10 years. These are youths with experience. They have been in the work force for a good six years now. Probably at this very minute, they are controlling your bank account, designing your buildings, counseling your kids and even deciding your laws.
* There have always been ATMs.
* A 45 is a gun, not a little record with a big hole in the center. (By the way, what's a record?)
* Kurt Cobain's death was ''the day the music died.''
* Spam and cookies aren't necessarily foods.
* Lawn darts have always been illegal.
Sheesh! Pardon me while I exchange these bifocals for some trifocals and adjust my dentures.
The list was first put out in 1998. That's when kids likely never played Pac-Man, thought there always had been red and blue M&Ms but hadn't heard of beige, probably never saw an 8-track player, and thought the special effects in ''Star Wars'' were pathetic.
Feeling old yet? If not, on behalf of the whole gray and gummy gang, good luck in school this year.
----- Jump in the time machine with Cole at firstname.lastname@example.org