I've said plenty over the last 17 years. It's time to take another dip into the mailbags to give you your say.
To paraphrase Mark Twain, between the two of us, we cover all knowledge - you know all that can be known, and I know the rest. For example:
* ''Based on scientific research performed by me in my cow-tipping days, I can assure you that you always tip a cow from its left side, therefore causing your north-facing cow to fall on its east side. Please feel free to send all research grants for further study to me at this address.''
- Reformed Redneck, via e-mail
Dear Reformed: I am a reformed farm boy and know that cows sleep lying down. Cow tipping is a hoax we perpetrated on city folk. If you think you can walk up to a 1,500-pound Holstein and simply push her over ... why yes, huge research grants are necessary to confirm or deny this legend once and for all.
* ''Your argument adds a lot of weight to a study that I have conducted myself. It takes faith to be fat! Did you ever see a calorie? Cholesterol? Fat? Did you ever feel, taste or smell one? No one can deny the evidence of them, right?''
- Gupster, via website
Dear Gup: Ah, you obviously are a well-informed, educated personage. Let us continue this discussion at the dessert buffet.
* "Your usual column is weak to begin with, but this week was a gem. I usually read a paragraph or so, realize that it's just more iconoclastic dribble from someone who considers chewing his food hard work, and forget it."
- Larry B., via e-mail
Dear Larry: I believe you meant iconoclastic DRIVEL. Dribble is what happens when I work too hard at chewing food.
* ''I'm one of your many fans! ... I have personally read some of your articles at our group. You sound like you're one of us.''
- Pam M., Messies Anonymous Support Group, via letter
Dear Pam: I meant to write back sooner but I misplaced your letter. It's in one of these piles on my desk. Or maybe that one on the floor over there. Anyway, why is it you think I sound like one of you? I'm puzzled.
* ''I must tell you that referring to me as a 'cloth granny dummy in a mop wig' was very offensive. I would have thought your mother would have taught you to respect your elders. Or could it be that by now we're more like peers?''
- Sincerely, Mrs. Fanny
Fillmore, via e-mail
Dear Mrs. Fillmore: I apologize for describing the esteemed partner of ventriloquist Bill Lisby so rudely. It kinda shook me up when I realized I was carrying on a full conversation with a ''dummy,'' completely ignoring the human. Now I'm exchanging e-mails with her. Grandpa Burt thinks we're peers in more than age.
* ''Did you REALLY get caught watching 'submarine races'? How utterly fantastic! I had forgotten that part of my adolescence.''
- Liz K., via e-mail
Dear Liz: Oh, for a camera to have captured the look on that youngster of a deputy's face when he shined his flashlight on a couple of gray-hairs with silly grins on their faces. Mixing a bit of silliness and a dash of foolish to life is the perfect way to properly embarrass your grown children, which we do for revenge. Stay young at heart, Liz!
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