Play-Doh is the sweetest smell in the world this side of chocolate. But it never occurred to me to wear it as a cologne.
Now I can, without even wrapping Play-Doh snakes around the backs of my ears.
You also can buy perfume in the scents of dirt, wet garden, mildew, paperback and condensed milk.
Well, you don't want to smell like jasmine or lilacs ALL the time, do you?
Ah, yes, the smell of condensed milk always reminds me of that time that ... uh ... well, I think I baked some cookies with it once, but I'd rather smell the cookies. Yes, Demeter Fragrance also offers fragrances in chocolate chip cookie.
Demeter also offers colognes and perfumes in bonfire - which smells like burning maple leaves - birthday cake, cucumber and several flavors of Hershey's, Jolly Rancher and Jelly Belly candies.
I suspect the junk food perfumes were created on the adage that the fastest way to a man's heart is through his stomach. The problem is that if he's nibbling on your neck, maybe he's just hungry.
For men, Burger King has its own fragrance - Flame. It's a body spray that lets you ooze with the aroma of flame-broiled burger. What woman could resist a man who smells like that?
If you want cheese with that, the Stilton Cheese Makers Association launched Eau de Stilton to ''re-create the earthy and fruity aroma of Blue Stilton cheese in an eminently wearable perfume.''
Is it any wonder that obesity is such a problem? We even smell fat.
But man does not live by pizza alone. There's also football. Masik Collegiate Fragrances is concocting lines of colognes and perfumes that stink of your favorite university, perfect for wearing to the big game.
The fragrance of the University of North Carolina is a mixture of fresh Sicilian lemon and bergamot, lavender and white pepper, and white amber and tonka bean. Why? I don't know. And I thought Tonka was a truck.
Penn State University's scent is Italian bergamot and chilled gimlet accord, with blue cypress and cracked pepper vapor, ending with black amber and cool moss.
Coming soon is a fragrance for The Ohio State University, though the recipe has yet to be announced. Perhaps the waxy chocolate and peanut butter of buckeyes candy? I hope it's not based on the collegiate fragrance of dorms I knew, which was dirty socks and empty pizza boxes.
If you are a political beast, Nature's Garden has fragrance oils for Republicans (''well-grounded earthy notes of fresh sage and McIntosh apple ... rose and apple blossoms''), Democrats (''very fresh greenery base of clover, ivy and aloe'') and independents (''refreshing crisp citrus notes of fresh orange slices, lime and lemon zests ... with a smooth musky background'').
See, politics DO smell.
Some perfumes even are made with ambergris - whale vomit. The peculiar sweet, earthy odor comes from stuff produced in the digestive system of sperm whales.
We are a nation so obsessed with odoriferous glory that we need whales to throw up so that we may die an aromatic death of nectar asphyxiation.
It's a wonder our noses aren't blowing up from overstimulation. Then we wouldn't be able to stop and smell the Play-Doh on each other's necks.
---- Send a smell-o-gram to Cole at firstname.lastname@example.org.