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My parents owe me a billion dollars

March 9, 2014 The great philosopher George Burns once said, ‘‘I get up every morning and read the obituary column. If my name’s not there, I eat breakfast.’’ I know what he means. more »»

Freebies and deals aren’t any bargain

March 2, 2014 ‘‘You’re addicted,’’ I groused, weaving between two bags of sweatshirts, a box of old shoes and a paper shredder missing the power cord. ‘‘But they were free,’’ she said. ‘‘You can’t pass up free. more »»

Really big shoes to fill

February 23, 2014 First Velveeta, and now this — a national clown shortage. According to the New York Daily News, clowns are dropping like shaving cream pies. more »»

You call this intelligence?

February 16, 2014 If government eavesdropping is as rampant as reported, how come the spies never get me out of trouble? If people are taking the time to monitor our private phone calls, they could at least slip us... more »»

Valentine’s Day is the silly season

February 9, 2014 To quote the great philosopher John Paul Young, ‘‘Love is in the air / Every sight and every sound.’’ If you don’t think so, turn on the TV. more »»

This voice is not very reasonable

February 2, 2014 I never knew that eating could be such a difficult thing to do. Eating the so-called ‘‘right way,’’ anyway. It’s my fault, I know. I sorta, kinda forgot to exercise for a day or two. more »»

Out of the loop, but still loopy

January 26, 2014 It was the classic good news-bad news situation. Our home phone line fizzled and died. But the company made a speedy repair, quickly reconnecting us to the world. The fix, of course, was the bad news. more »»

Let plates, clothes and kids clean themselves

January 19, 2014 Back when I lived the uncultured life of a bachelor, I sometimes allowed dirty dishes to pile up in the sink. OK, perhaps a tad more than ‘‘sometime. more »»

Kick habit of losing single shoes

January 12, 2014 A whole bunch of people are hobbling about in single shoes, boots and flip-flops. I don’t know where they are, but they’re out there. I keep driving by their missing shoes, boots and flip-flops. more »»

Is this a tall tale or snow job?

January 5, 2014 ‘‘Tell us another scary story,’’ one little pest begged. ‘‘Yeah, tell us again about when there were no video games,’’ the other said. more »»

Some old questions ring in new year

December 29, 2013 So what do batteries run on? Why do the instructions never state, ‘‘Open over there?” Come to think of it, how do instructions know we’re ‘‘here’’ and not “there?” If a mime is arrested, does he nee... more »»

Joy bells go bong over the season

December 22, 2013 There is no greater collection of grumps, cranks and grouches than what shows up during the joys of the Christmas season. Or maybe that’s just in the malls. more »»

Lemme learn ya all ’bout gooder writing

December 15, 2013 ‘‘How do you write stories with the kind of quality that you do?’’ the kid asked. ‘‘My teacher says I should study your works.’’ I puffed up like a peacock. more »»

Insults take away injuries of shopping

December 8, 2013 It’s December and the gift-buying season keeps me hopping. It takes a lot of effort to make sure I have insulted, ignored or otherwise jilted every person I know. more »»

It’s time to pack it in

December 1, 2013 I thumped another suitcase down the stairs. “This is it. That’s all of them.” Terry surveyed the stash of things to be packed against the clutter of case. more »»

Minding your manners while chowing down

November 24, 2013 Editor’s note: Cole just spent a relaxing vacation with his 4-year-old grandson, meaning the old guy is still gasping for breath, let alone trying to write anything. more »»

Tooting my own horn of wisdom

November 17, 2013 My fellow band geeks and I would like a word with all you ‘‘cool’’ kids who laughed at us in school. Ha! That's the word. Try not to stumble over it. more »»

Ready for life

November 10, 2013 The slogan printed on the semi stated, ‘‘Ready for Life.’’ I grimaced. I was traveling home for the calling hours of a high school classmate. The second classmate we lost in a little more than a week. more »»

Don’t lose sleep over time change

November 3, 2013 The great philosopher Mick Jagger once crooned, ‘‘Time is on my side.’’ Well, yes it is, if you snuggled in for an additional hour of sleep. more »»

Firstborns are smartest. Right?

October 27, 2013 I waved the study at my brothers. ‘‘Ha! Exactly as I’m sure you already suspected.’’ ‘‘Now what’s he warbling about?’’ Dan asked Tim. ‘‘Beats me. more »»



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