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He’d go places if he could park

July 26, 2015 She stared out the front window. “Why do we never go anywhere?” I lowered my newspaper. “Parking lots.” “It’s part of the package,” she said. “If you go somewhere, you need a place to park.” “Exactly. more »»

Planning, playing more fun than work

July 19, 2015 As a duly licensed wordsmith and practitioner of the written arts, I naturally like to keep up with the parts of speech. more »»

Tech talk drives gap between generations

July 12, 2015 “Hey, Gramps, can we order pizza?” “Sure,” I told the kid. “Dial the number.” The kid scratched his hea. more »»

I’ll stall when I get around to it

June 28, 2015 So, I’ve got this column to write. I know because my calendar shows it’s deadline. Again. Just like every week. Consistently meeting a steady deadline fosters discipline. So I’m told. more »»

Trapped in the thrift store

June 21, 2015 Help! I’m being held captive in a thrift store! By my wife. We pulled into the lot an hour or two ago. I thought we were going out for burgers and frie. more »»

Finicky cat calls own menu

June 14, 2015 The kid yelled. “But I don’t like beets.” The cold-hearted mom wasn’t moved. “Beets boost the immune system, lower blood pressure, fight cancer and increase energy.” The kid sniffed at the foul gun. more »»

Birthday baa-baas bless Burt’s bride

June 7, 2015 For her birthday, my sweet wife asked for only one thing — a gas-powered weed trimme. more »»

Dodging dinosaur chickens

May 31, 2015 Scientists are building dinosaurs from chickens. Seriously. I studied enough cheesy horror movies in my youth to know to be frightene. more »»

Bring Burton back to the name game

May 24, 2015 I have a weird name. I mean rare. Let’s see, there’s a police chief in Indiana who shares my name, and there’s Burton Cummings (who?). more »»

Dream a little nightmare with me

May 17, 2015 My heinous deeds were horrible. Incomprehensible. Indefensible. Except that I hadn’t really committed them. My wife dreamed them all up. Literally. She shook me awake and glared. more »»

Little kids teach the best way to play the game

May 10, 2015 My new favorite spectator sport is soccer as played by 5- and 6-year-olds. The game is simple, fun, unpredictable — and free of tedious technical points, such as, say, scoring. more »»

Get a whiff of research, sweat and happiness

May 3, 2015 Science, in its never-ending quest to amaze, amuse and amplify weirdness, now claims sniffing a happy person’s sweat makes you feel better. more »»

A purpose for those pesky mag inserts

April 26, 2015 (Editor’s Note: Beginning next Sunday, find Burt’s Eye View on the Tribune Chronicle Sunday Life page. more »»

How brain improves with age

April 19, 2015 I stopped in the middle of the living room, a magazine in one hand and a bottle of ketchup in the other. “Terry,” I hollered to my wife. more »»

Memories taste sweeter than cookies

April 12, 2015 Two brats and their sweet, long-suffering mother were struggling through the grocery store one day as Brat No. more »»

Keeping house... sorta

April 5, 2015 My wife didn’t think it possible for one person to get into that much trouble in so little unsupervised time. Otherwise, she wouldn’t have left me alone. more »»

Hurry! Earth is doomed!

March 29, 2015 “There’s no time to lose,” I yelped as I tossed aside the newspaper and popped out of my easy chair. Terry yelped, too. I whirled to face her. “You saw it? Startling, isn’t it?” “Definitel. more »»

Look, up in the sky ... it’s a big kid!

March 22, 2015 I didn’t hear my wife come home until her voice cut me down in mid-flight: “What are you doing now?” “I, uh ... Research. more »»

Just a yard sale away from riches

March 15, 2015 I shop the wrong yard sales. We don’t have an attic. Otherwise, we’d be rich. Look at the evidenc. more »»

Punishing puns win wordplay titles

March 8, 2015 Oh, those nasty puns. You try scrubbing them out and soaking them out, and you can still come out ringed around by groans and hollers. * You can push the envelope, but it’ll still be stationery. more »»

 
 
 

 

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