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Cows with a beef run rogue

October 4, 2015 We are at their udder mercy. Utter. I mean, utter mercy. I speak, of course, about the rash of rogue cows running roughshod in our neighborhoods. more »»

Questions rain like dogs and cats

September 27, 2015 It’s been a random kind of week, the sort that leaves me with more questions than answers. more »»

Red face clears over white beard when green saved

September 20, 2015 It’s gotta be the beard. Surely, it can’t be the wrinkles. They’re more like the Modest Canyon, not etched Grand Canyon deep. It can’t be the pops and creaks when I walk. more »»

Married life hamstrings date night

September 13, 2015 I almost went on a date with my wife. Once again, life logjammed logistic. more »»

Eat the way to good health

September 6, 2015 EDITOR’S NOTE: Cole, the big baby, was out all last week, sick. He says. So today, we bring you a Cole Classic originally published Sept. more »»

Seasons of September to remember

August 30, 2015 Several eons ago when I was in elementary school, the teacher assigned us to write an essay about our favorite month. I chose September. more »»

Some facts too creepy

August 23, 2015 There’s nothing like scientific discovery to twist a perfectly good day into a tumult of terro. more »»

Cartoons, cereal ruled Saturdays

August 16, 2015 Sugar-coated cereals, a parade of toy commercials, and a blitz of wacky and wonderful cartoons — I lived for Saturday mornings. Adults ruled the rest of the week. more »»

Old dogs learn new login tricks

August 9, 2015 The taunting words flashed from the computer screen: “Invalid sign-in. Make sure caps lock is off.” “It’s because of my age, isn’t it?,” I yelled at the machine. more »»

Blankie reboots my brain

August 2, 2015 Lately, it seems that every time I attempt to commit an act of work, whatever computer I open flashes a message that I need to shut it down right now for very extremely super vital important upgrades. more »»

He’d go places if he could park

July 26, 2015 She stared out the front window. “Why do we never go anywhere?” I lowered my newspaper. “Parking lots.” “It’s part of the package,” she said. “If you go somewhere, you need a place to park.” “Exactly. more »»

Planning, playing more fun than work

July 19, 2015 As a duly licensed wordsmith and practitioner of the written arts, I naturally like to keep up with the parts of speech. more »»

Tech talk drives gap between generations

July 12, 2015 “Hey, Gramps, can we order pizza?” “Sure,” I told the kid. “Dial the number.” The kid scratched his hea. more »»

I’ll stall when I get around to it

June 28, 2015 So, I’ve got this column to write. I know because my calendar shows it’s deadline. Again. Just like every week. Consistently meeting a steady deadline fosters discipline. So I’m told. more »»

Trapped in the thrift store

June 21, 2015 Help! I’m being held captive in a thrift store! By my wife. We pulled into the lot an hour or two ago. I thought we were going out for burgers and frie. more »»

Finicky cat calls own menu

June 14, 2015 The kid yelled. “But I don’t like beets.” The cold-hearted mom wasn’t moved. “Beets boost the immune system, lower blood pressure, fight cancer and increase energy.” The kid sniffed at the foul gun. more »»

Birthday baa-baas bless Burt’s bride

June 7, 2015 For her birthday, my sweet wife asked for only one thing — a gas-powered weed trimme. more »»

Dodging dinosaur chickens

May 31, 2015 Scientists are building dinosaurs from chickens. Seriously. I studied enough cheesy horror movies in my youth to know to be frightene. more »»

Bring Burton back to the name game

May 24, 2015 I have a weird name. I mean rare. Let’s see, there’s a police chief in Indiana who shares my name, and there’s Burton Cummings (who?). more »»

Dream a little nightmare with me

May 17, 2015 My heinous deeds were horrible. Incomprehensible. Indefensible. Except that I hadn’t really committed them. My wife dreamed them all up. Literally. She shook me awake and glared. more »»

Little kids teach the best way to play the game

May 10, 2015 My new favorite spectator sport is soccer as played by 5- and 6-year-olds. The game is simple, fun, unpredictable — and free of tedious technical points, such as, say, scoring. more »»



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