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Here, Burtie, Burtie, Burtie

September 21, 2014 Quietly I turned the door knob. Tiptoed into the house. Peeked around the corner. Slipped down the hallway. more »»

 
 
 
The danger of how-to books: You might try

September 14, 2014 Probably nothing has caused more damage and broken more homes — I am speaking literally, here — than do-it-yourself books. We have a complete set of those things sitting in a box in the living room. more »»

Seriously: Now you can laugh yourself skinny

September 7, 2014 Need to lose weight? Sit right down in that easy chair because you’ve come to the right place. more »»

Recalling clotheslines, childhood

August 31, 2014 September dawns tomorrow, which means it’s just about time to wind up the clothesline. more »»

Back to school is no joke

August 24, 2014 Twenty-five years ago, Robert Fulghum published his famous essay, ‘‘All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten.’’ It was mostly true. more »»

Dribbling the pen

August 17, 2014 I moonlight as an author. Why? Because that’s the kind of athlete I a. more »»

Geezer schools junior

August 10, 2014 ‘‘Were schools held in caves when you were little?’’ the kid asked me. I tousled his hair. ‘‘My, aren’t you the clever one.’’ ‘‘Ow,’’ he whined. ‘‘Leggo.’’ ‘‘Sorry. more »»

Whatever exists, we collect it

August 3, 2014 We are collectors by birthright. Our first primal instincts are to eat, sleep, drool, fill diapers, and wrap our tiny fists around any pacifer in the vicinit. more »»

There’s no time like ‘spare time’

July 27, 2014 An ad claims I can earn $3,000 a day, simply by working on my laptop in my ‘‘spare time.’’ A caller urged me to improve my community by volunteering just a few hours of my ‘‘spare time’’ a week. more »»

Zombie survival a pillow away

July 20, 2014 I don’t understand all the fuss about how to survive a zombie apocalypse. I’ve survived plenty of zombies. Even the Pentagon seems a tad nervous. more »»

Thrown by thoughtful presents

July 13, 2014 My sweetie mailed an inspirational coffee mug to our son, overseas on a job. He wasn’t inspired. ‘‘Mom, I’ve been here eight months. more »»

Before safety was invented

July 6, 2014 I’m lucky to be alive. My survival’s nothing short of a miracle. Perhaps if I’d had a bicycle helmet or knee pads … But that’s just it. I grew up in an epoch before safety was invented. more »»

Silly Burton, cereal isn’t for kids, or you

June 29, 2014 It’s a familiar whine: ‘‘But why can’t I have it for breakfast? It’s good for me.’’ ‘‘We’re having steel-cut rolled oats. It’s natural. more »»

Living by delicious disaster

June 22, 2014 We sat in the living room, enjoying one of those light-hearted, loving chats between spouses. ‘‘I don’t have a column topic this week,’’ I wailed, but light-heartedly. more »»

Stop and smell the Play-Doh

June 15, 2014 I peeked over one shoulder. Then the other. Slunk behind my desk. Slid open the drawer where I keep the bottle. I shot one more nervous glance around the offic. more »»

Doing laundry in the kitchen

June 8, 2014 Our refrigerator is in the dining room. No really, it is. more »»

Color me gone from painting

June 1, 2014 ‘‘Guess what we’re going to do!’’ Sentences that begin like that, when uttered by an overly exuberant spouse, never end well. I tried to disappear into the cushions of my La-Z-Bo. more »»

Preparing for picnic success

May 25, 2014 I come from large, farm families, so we are heading into my favorite season of the year — picnic. more »»

Cowboy boots, thistles, love

May 18, 2014 She wore her pointy-toed cowboy boots to school, chased me down at recess and kicked me in the shins. “Isn’t that sweet,” Mom said when I limped home from school. “Robin likes you. more »»

E.T. can’t top weirdos of planet Earth

May 11, 2014 I’ve never been beamed aboard a UFO. Never once was I kidnapped by extraterrestrials. Nope. All my weird and bizarre experiences were inflicted by good old-fashioned Earthlings. Or so they clai. more »»

Quacked up over new pets

May 4, 2014 ‘‘We need some pets,’’ I told my wife the other day. We were cleaning a winter’s supply of fallen debris from beneath the front yard trees. She straightened with an armload of sticks. ‘‘Oh, good. more »»

 
 

 

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