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It's so cold I put these jokes in the freezer to thaw them out
January 23, 2013 - Burton Cole (humor columnist)
Brrrrr. It is so cold that when I lit a fire, the flame froze. I warmed up a little chipping the smoke off the ceiling. It's cold.
Let's warm up a bit by sharing our favorite cold jokes. I figure if enough of us talk all at once, the hot air ought to raise the room temperature at least a smidge. Here's a few from my collections of quotes and various websites. Add yours – if you can thaw out the fingers long enough.
“My father was a stoic. He believed that if you couldn’t see your breath when you talked, then the furnace was turned up too high.” – Garrison Keillor
“I was just thinking, if it is really religion with these nudist colonies, they sure must turn atheists in the wintertime.” – Will Rogers
“When I was in Boy Scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.” – Steven Wright
“A lot of people like snow. I find it to be an unnecessary freezing of water.” – Carl Reiner
“It was so cold I almost got married.” – Shelly Winters
It's so cold that … Pet stores sell hamsters, gerbils and penguins … You have to open the fridge to heat the house … Your false teeth chatter, and they are still in the glass … Mailmen watch out for both dogs and polar bears. – yuksrus
“I grew up at a time when you didn’t complain about winter. Blizzards raged across the prairie and that was that. There was no weather forecasting, just a strong sense of foreboding.” – Garrison Keillor
“A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.” – Ogden Nash (I know, I know, that's a different kind of cold. But they are common this time of year.)
“I like these cold, gray winter days. Days like these let you savor a bad mood.” – Calvin and Hobbes (Bill Watterson)
“The problem with winter sports is that – follow me closely here – they generally take place in winter.” – Dave Barry
“When it snows, you have two choices: shovel or make snow angels.” – Anonymous
“You know how to check fer thin ice, boy?" he would ask me. "Wall, what you do is stick one foot way out ahead of you and stomp the ice real hard and listen fer it to make a crackin' sound. Thar now, did you hear how the ice cracked whan Ah stomped it? Thet means it's too thin to hold a man's weight. Now pull me up out of hyar and we'll run back to shore and see if we kin built a fahr b'fore Ah freezes to death!” – Patrick F. McManus
“Getting an inch of snow is like winning 10 cents in the lottery.” – Calvin and Hobbes (Bill Watterson)
“It's never too cold for ice cream.” – anonymous
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Who turned off the global warming?