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Twink-a-Dink-a-Do, the snack cakes crumbled

November 19, 2012 - Burton Cole (humor columnist)

I guess we know what constitutes a national crisis – Twinkies.

Since Hostess Brands announced last week it is shutting down its bakeries, raiders of the lost snack cakes swarmed groceries and outlet stores to snatch up the possibly the last Twinkies in the universe.

Hoarders are offering them up to nostalgia buffs on eBay – for big-time mark-ups.

Yo Ho Ho's and a bottle of fruit pie filling. Exactly when did Twinkies become our national culinary dish?

Ding Dong, the Twinkies are dead? I confess, I wiped a tear or two myself. I'm a big fan of Sno Balls, CupCakes and Zingers. A big fan.

Now that the snack packs are gone, maybe I'll be able to do something about that “big” part.

“Oh, what shall I do?” I wailed in a recent Facebook post. To which Emily responded, “Most likely we're all gonna lose 10 pounds and live longer.”

Allow me to make two points:

First, Sno Balls are chock full of preservatives. I figured if I ate enough of them, I'd live forever. I'd be sort of like a mummy with a dab of coconut marshmallow cream stuck in my beard.

Secondly, it was about two years ago – Nov. 21, 2010 – that I reported the magnificent results of the Twinkie Diet. Remember that one?

Nutrition professor and national hero Dr. Mark D. Haub of Kansas State University lost 27 pounds in two months eating Twinkies, Ding Dongs and other so-called junk food.

His point – it's the calories, stupid. Not tasteless rice cakes. Not vegetables so raw that earthworms are still dripping off them. Just calories.

Before his Twinkies diet, Haub consumed about 2,600 calories a day, weighed 201 pounds and showed a body-mass index of 28.8, which is overweight.

For 10 weeks, he limited himself to less than 1,800 calories a day, with two thirds of it coming from snacks. He also took in a daily multivitamin, daily protein shake, a few vegetables and a double espresso.

After two months of this bliss, he weighed 174 pounds and carried a normal body-mass index of 24.9. Plus, his triglycerides fat level dropped 39 percent, his bad LDL cholesterol dropped 20 percent and the good HDL cholesterol increased by 20 percent.

'That's where the head scratching comes,' Haub told CNN. 'Does that mean I'm healthier?'

It means that all we can do during this national crisis is hope that some benevolent company buys the Hostess brands and saves the Ho Ho's. Our health, well-being and long age depends on it.

Plus, it's nearly lunch time.

 
 

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Fronting the effects of a Ho Ho's diet?

 
 
 
 

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