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Obey the law - especially when on a stroll with cows and ducks

October 6, 2012 - Burton Cole (humor columnist)

If you plan on taking your cow and duck for a stroll, then head out for a spot of Ohio whale fishing, you better check the law books first. You could be breaking the rules.

According to a variety of websites dedicated to silly laws still on the books in all 50 states, Ohio has its share. I have not verified that any of these law actually are in effect. But it's fun to consider that they might be real rules – and wonder how they became so.

For example, if you ignore an orator on Decoration Day by playing croquet or pitching horseshoes within a mile of the speaker's stand, you can be fined $25. (Would cornhole count? Beanbags are quieter than iron.)

It is illegal to fish for whales on Sunday. (But hey, feel free to haul a humpback out of Mosquito Creek Reservoir on Tuesday.)

It is illegal to get a fish drunk. (I told you to use water when filling the aquarium.)

In Akron, posting signs at swimming pools is illegal. (So when Michael Phelps comes over, you can't point to that posting, “This is our 'ool.' As you can see, there is no 'p' in our 'ool.' Keep it that way.”)

In Bexley, it's been illegal since 1919 to install slot machines in outhouses. (And they're such lovely spots to squeeze in a game room.)

In Bay Village, it is illegal to walk a cow down Lake Road. (No word on leading your horse to water.)

In Lowell, it is unlawful to run a horse faster than 5 mph. (I didn't know they came with speedometers.)

Closer to home, in McDonald, you may not parade your goose down Main Street. Or possibly it's illegal to parade your duck down Ohio Avenue. Websites report differing stories. Can anyone from McDonald fill us in on the truth before my pet duck and I visit? (Apparently, you can parade your cow, though. No word on the speed limit of the cow.)

And in Youngstown, it is illegal to ride on the roof of a taxi cab. (Well there go my plans for Friday night.)

OK, folks, remember, play nice and obey the rules. Especially when take a stroll with your cow and duck.


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